not sure what to make of it

So I just got home tonight after hanging out with some friends and I decided a blog was in order. Yeah, it's been a while I know.

This year began with some pretty big hopes I must admit, and depending on the subject matter, things are even better than expected.

Work:

Work has been quite interesting lately. I work at a very progressive company which is extremely proactive for equal rights and I have offices at two locations including the global corporate headquarters. Between the HRC gala and Keep Austin Beautiful luncheon, I have met several executives and have had the opportunity to really network with some other organizations within freescale. I feel like I couldn't have asked for more and I am starting to see that I am well on-track to being extremely successful. My role is becoming increasingly cross-functional, I'm being tasked with projects that are far reaching, and these assignments are coming from places as high up as Senior VPs. I'm excited about the name recognition that seems to be building for me, and so far this year (for example) I have managed to save the company about $150 thousand. Long story short I love my job, I'm working a shit-ton, and I'm really excelling.

Friends:

This has for the most part unchanged. I've stopped going out so much and begun to run in circles with the Alexs and Carters of the community. You know, real people. It has been nice to keep tabs on some long lost friends and as always gain new ones. Sadly there have been some ups and downs with several people in particular, but those will always happen and it's how you make it through that defines the friendship. I'm optimistic.

Relationships:

So I saved this one for last not because it's the best. I keep telling myself that if I'm looking I won't find it, but it's getting to the point where that doesn't seem to be working either. Ever since my infamous relationship with the "other rob" things have been a lost cause it seems. I completely and totally blame the fact that I'm bitter and cold on some of the experiences I've had earlier last year and it sucks that I can't seem to shake that attitude. This is also compounded by the fact that I totally lack the ability to "make the first move" so to speak. NO I'm not talking about just having sex, I mean in general.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Austin with a passion. This city is not only one of the most environmentally conscious in the US (good for my career), but also the most progressive which leads me to ask, "WHY THE FUCK don't we have a good gay community center or something?!?!??!??!" To be honest it's almost embarrassing, and it seems as though the only place to meet people is at the club, and sadly...a lot of them are trash. I'm not going to lie, I've probably passed up a few catches that I somehow just managed to pick out something I didn't like and let it fester. I think part of it is that I'm unwilling to settle for less than EXACTLY what I want, which I know I need to change in order to get over this hump.

Currently there is a potential, maaaaaaaaaaaybe two...but probably only one. And despite my best efforts there really isn't much I don't like....but then again, the fact that I'm to much of a wimp to make the first move, and he hasn't yet, leads me to using that fact as an excuse to back away. It's sad to think of all the potentials I have missed out on because I can't say something as simple as, "hey I kinda like you, wanna go on a date" (maybe not quite that but you get the picture).

To be honest I guess what I'm getting at here is that life for me right now seems to be an obscure triangle of sorts. On the one side I'm excelling beyond expectation, on the other, not so much, while even still one remains fairly consistent. If you average the three it's about a 70%, which is just barely passing...and I'm not one who's content with that in the slightest, but I just don't know what to do. My triangle needs to be equilateral but instead seems all lopsided and obtuse. All I want is someone to share a bed with and talk to, but apparently in this "world" that's a pretty tall order. Sometimes I'm tempted to completely cut myself off and become a work-aholic so I'm a millionaire by the time I'm 30; however to be honest money doesn't buy happiness and from what I've seen it only affirms that age old saying.

Lastly, I'd say if you've got someone now that you think is the end all be all then consider yourself lucky, because you are indeed the minority in the gay community. I envy you in every way, and I would sacrifice just about everything I have to have someone like that.