I suppose I should start off by saying the typical, “I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted” statements.
With that out of the way, I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of way to post about big events in my life, changes, musings, etc. I think the events of this year have been an emotional whirlwind of fun, friends, heartbreak, and more. I hope to capture a lot of it here; partially to vent and partially as historical record so that in 10 years when I come back and read these I can remember everything I’ve done and learned.
To be completely honest a lot of this year has blurred by. I’ve dated a few ppl here and there. None of them really materialized until recently, which then seemed to come crashing down for reasons I have yet to figure out; this post will serve as a way to put my feelings and thoughts into writing so that hopefully I can feel a little better about things.
In all honesty, I have to warn you…the rest of this blog is mostly just a recap of how I met a guy and went through one of the most emotionally topsy turvey relationships I’ve ever experienced. You will likely get bored, but this is more for me to vent and get things down on paper, like I said.
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It was April 23 that I first met Dustin. I must say the circumstances of our introduction were stereotypical of the gay community….Grindr....as embarrassing as it is to admit. I was at my friend Joey’s house waiting for him to pack for our day trip out to lake Travis. I jumped online and there were a few profiles in my feed. I clicked on Dustin’s and send a “hello” message. Typically I’m online to be social and meet new people, he didn’t have a facepic, which I usually avoid but for some reason I felt compelled to message him. It didn’t take long for us to hit it off. We exchanged numbers and spent much of the day texting and getting to know each other. After leaving the lake that night I drove to meet him for drinks and a movie at his place. Needless to say it was an amazing night. In an effort to keep this rated G, lets just say it was the most memorable and fantastic experience I’ve ever had. Period.
The next day I left to see a movie with my family and we agreed to see each other for a dinner date the next night. We went to Inoteca and then to Austin Java. It was an amazing night. The next day I had a trip planned to Napa, CA with my best friend Nathan and our two friends from Seattle that would be meeting us there. The week we spent in Napa, though in and of itself deserving of a blog post, was amazing but is not why I’m writing today. I think Dustin and I did not go more than 2-3 hours the entire week without texting. Things were going so wonderfully and moving quickly but I didn’t think much of it. I’m typically a go-with-the-flow kind of guy and there seemed to be a connection forming that was beyond my ability to control.
………………
I suppose I should take a time-out to actually tell you about Dustin. There are so many things that should have told me to run away. Things that are not necessarily bad, but very difficult to deal with in a relationship. Dustin is 20 almost 21, and despite his age he is very well adjusted. Working full-time for a company in Austin while going to school for a Marketing degree is no small feat. His job involves doing some marketing work, which is a great experience and start to his career. Along with that he is paying for school and his apartment on his own with a few student loans and not much financial help from family; very similar to how I got through college.
Dustin is smart, beautiful, and in many ways exhibits my ideal guy. Loves to cook, organized, driven, in-shape, etc etc.
The real burden that he has, though, is still being in the closet. Granted, at 20 years old I had not quite come out yet either so I can very much relate. He comes from a conservative background in a conservative area of the state. None of his family or friends know that he’s gay which is a very difficult place for someone to be. It never feels that way until after coming out, but once that burden is lifted it is amazing how much easier things can be. Dustin will some day understand that, I hope.
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So, after that week in Napa we agreed that Dustin would meet me at my house as soon as I got back from the airport. Over the next several weeks we saw each other fairly frequently and spent many nights at each other’s respective homes. Things seemed to be progressing nicely. All my friends seemed to really like him and when we were together everything seemed right.
I told Nathan repeatedly over those few weeks that I wasn’t going to let myself get emotionally attached to him. I’ve been through relationships before, and for some reason when I get emotionally involved too early it doesn’t always work well. I suppose it is an effort to protect myself after all that I went through with Rob Con. The only problem was that Dustin was making it increasingly more difficult to hold back. The constant texts, the half-asleep/half-awake “I love you” he kept mumbling. I’m not one to throw the L word out so early and I know that when said in those circumstances it isn’t necessarily meant. It was still obvious that Dustin was very into me and I was into him. Everything was shaping up to be a really great thing. Not to mention, the physical aspects of our relationship were amazing. Far and away the best I’ve ever experienced. I suppose it’s possible lust played a huge role in this ordeal, but I don’t pretend to be an expert on the psychology of relationships.
Somewhere along the way I asked Dustin to be my boyfriend. Each time I would ask he would suggest that he liked the idea and was interested, but would quickly change the subject. Though we had already agreed to be exclusive the title was a public (well, pseudo-public given Dustin isn’t out) way of showing that. I finally asked him why he was constantly dodging the question. He told me the story of his last boyfriend and how it ended badly because they spent too much time together. Somehow Dustin got the idea that being in a relationship requires a minimum time commitment and that in his previous experience that requirement ruined a good thing. I tried to convince him that it is not a time commitment but a mutual declaration of exclusivity and affection. Despite these repeated attempts he didn’t seem to budge. I got the impression that he just doesn’t like titles too much, but he did agree to be exclusive and that was at least temporarily satisfying for me.
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It wasn’t until Memorial Day weekend when things started to get shaky. The week before Dustin’s parents had moved in with him for a while since they had sold their house and had not found a place to stay yet. This threw a wrench in the spokes of a relationship that was equivalent to a bike careening out of control down a steep hill. We went from 3-4 times a week to once a week or less seeing each other. Obviously we were limited by the fact that with his parents staying with him we were confined to my house and he had to have reasons to not be with his parents, and suffice it to say, “staying with my boy friend” wouldn’t have been the right one to use. We tried to make plans on several occasions, but for some reason he would flake out about 80% of the time. Something had changed.
Then a week later, Memorial Day weekend, Dustin lost his phone and had no way to communicate to me. I was on-call that weekend and spending most of it at home. I was pretty worried that plans we had tentatively made never materialized and I could not get a hold of him at all. It wasn’t until that Monday that we finally touched base and he told me the story. Though judging by recent events, I should probably be happy that he made the effort so quickly to contact me. Things still seemed to be going great despite that recent challenge and the lack of getting to see each other as much. I did bring up the boyfriends thing again later that week and that is when Dustin again said that he didn’t want another “full-time job”. Sadly before I could come back and explain, again, that a relationship is not a full-time job he had signed off Facebook.
Throughout that week Dustin and I Facebook chatted constantly. We kept in touch every day and planned to spend the following weekend together and go to a birthday party on June 4th for a friend of mine. At the party we had a lot of fun and things seemed just as great as they had been. Later that night Dustin tripped and stumbled into my leg causing some pretty sharp pains to shoot up my leg. I didn’t really think much of it at the time and the next day, despite a little soreness, everything seemed fine. That night and the following day were just as wonderful as things had been when we first met, and it was the last time I saw Dustin.
Over the course of the next week Dustin and I continued to talk but my knee continued to get progressively worse. I went to the Doctor who suspected a torn meniscus, we ordered MRIs to confirm a diagnosis. Dustin showed some concern and we, again, agreed to spend the following Sunday together out on Lake Travis.
June 11 was the last time I heard from him. We were talking about the following day and planning our trip. The last thing he said was how he was looking forward to the lake and that he would be going to a party that night. The next day, he never showed and was completely unresponsive to me.
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My knee was now in pretty bad shape and I had yet to get any results back from the MRI. After speaking with my doctor friend he insisted that I see a specialist immediately after examining my leg that weekend. He feared that something could get worse and I may never run or do Yoga again. I realize that Dustin causing my injury the week before was a complete accident but I was shocked that he didn’t seem to be motivated to see me or really ask how I was doing. As I spent the next two days at work on crutches I sent Dustin a message asking why he had flaked on me.
Throughout that week I was very upset. There were some moments when I nearly broke down out of complete fear for the worst regarding my knee and the fact that Dustin never seemed to care. Luckily later that week the MRI and X-rays showed no permanent damage. There was some visible femoral scraping and the specialist noted that I may have strained a ligament or two, but it would all heal up in a few weeks.
Still, no word from Dustin.
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I went another two weeks, still without any word from Dustin. My birthday week came and the party he had been invited too was fast approaching. To be honest, I had all but written him off. I think in part due to being so busy and distracted at work, and also in part to focusing on getting my knee better. I didn’t have time to really stop and think about what was going on. I was very upset, granted, but for some reason I didn’t feel like things were over. I continued to message him frequently asking him to talk to me, but to no avail.
The week of my birthday I still had no luck contacting Dustin. I had sent him a long message begging him to tell me what was going on. I could see that he had been on Facebook since he was posting on his wall, but he, for whatever reason, was ignoring me. When I saw that he was blatantly ignoring me I removed him from the birthday party event invite. I didn’t go out of my way to tell him not to come, because I secretly hoped he would still show. I still messaged him every day asking him to please contact me.
On my birthday in a fit of frustration I blocked him on Facebook. It was mostly an effort to keep myself from thinking about him. All it did was make things worse for me. I had subsequently made it impossible for Dustin to come around and respond.
Needless to say, he was a no show for the birthday party.
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On June 22, my band director from High School died in his sleep. The news came as a bit of a shock to me, and the funeral was scheduled for the day after my birthday party. The man was brilliant and an inspiration to me in many ways.
That day, many of my HS friends came to town for the service. Though it was wonderful to see everyone, the terms were somewhat difficult. I wasn’t all that emotional at the funeral, nor had I any reason to be. I’ve always treated funerals as a remembrance and celebration of that person’s life. It had been many years since I had seen my band director so the pain of loss was relatively obscured by fond memories of my HS days and getting to spend time with old friends.
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I can’t be entirely sure if it was simply a coalescence of several weeks worth of anger, sadness, fear, and loss or just the final realization that something had gone terribly wrong but last Monday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. The first thought that came into my head that morning was Dustin and I’ve yet to shake it, even now. I realized that whatever it was that happened to cause him to effectively ignore my existence might be beyond my comprehension. Partly it was fear that I did something wrong and partly sadness that whatever it was and for whatever reason, Dustin did not feel as though he could confide in me. I had to take Monday afternoon off and broke down once I got home. I immediately unblocked and re-added him on Facebook, realizing that if he did finally come around and decide to talk to me he wouldn’t be able to.
Obviously I was pretty upset. Normally, I would have given him the big “FUCK YOU” weeks before after ignoring me for so long, but I just couldn’t. I realized that despite the fact that I have been treated quite poorly, I had fallen in love with Dustin. I realized that the past few weeks were painful for me, but had absolutely no idea why he had suddenly disappeared. Obviously something must have happened at that party he went to the last time he spoke to me but I couldn’t figure out what. I feared the worst, maybe he met someone else, or maybe I did something without knowing and pissed him off. I needed closure.
That night I had coffee with a friend and drove up to his apartment afterward on the off chance that he might be home. He wasn’t.
The next day I had business to take care of in North Austin and, again, dropped by Dustin’s apartment His truck was there and it was about the time of day when he is awake and getting ready for work. I knocked on the door, on the window. I even waited 20 minutes incase he had been in the shower. It was 10am and he still hadn’t responded which is usually the time that he leaves for work in the morning. I called his office and they said that he had not come in yet. Now I was getting really worried. I left a note on his truck again, pleading with him to contact me.
Finally on Wednesday I just couldn’t take it anymore. I called his office in the afternoon and was finally able to get through to him. Once I heard his voice I could barely choke out words through the tears. For the fourth time that day I had to step out of my office outside from being too emotional. He simply responded by saying he was too busy to talk but would call me soon. He never called.
I called again the following afternoon and we talked for just over a minute. I asked him to go on Facebook and accept my friend request. He wasn’t able to really talk much at work but he assured me he would get online and read my messages. He never did…again.
Finally on Friday, I called a third time and we talked for about 5 minutes. He said that he had, over the past few weeks, been pretty disconnected from everything and was working almost non-stop. He added me back on Facebook and told me that he did just read my message. He couldn’t talk details over the phone but agreed that he wanted to get together and talk about everything. He told me that he finally had time off and was going to use it spending the holiday weekend with his family at the coast. Dustin did assure me that he wasn’t mad at me and he hadn’t met someone else. At least I was able to relax, knowing it wasn’t anything I did.
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It’s now Monday (well, Tuesday by the time I finish writing this). The weekend is over and I haven’t heard from Dustin, but not surprising since he still doesn’t have his phone and our only method of communication is via Facebook. He did promise to talk things through once he got back, which I can only assume was sometime today. I still have no idea what happened, maybe I scared him away maybe I moved too quickly. Oddly enough, I would have to argue that he was the one moving too quickly.
I suppose the whole point of this blog was to get this all out of my head and down on paper. Secondly it was to give me an opportunity to really look back and reflect on our relationship as a whole. There were a lot of things that I miss. I think the most emotionally upsetting part is that, whatever it is, Dustin doesn’t feel as though he can talk to me about what is going on. I feel as though he owes me at least that much.
I’ve spent the past week glued to my friends. Most of them have given similar advice; you deserve better, he’s only 20 and naive, he doesn’t know what he’s missing, etc etc. Some of them have experienced heart break, others haven’t. For the life of me I’ll never understand why a little over 2 months with someone would bring along so much heart wrenching pain. I know it seems totally irrational, but for those of you who have been in this boat, you can probably understand.
This past weekend was spent on the lake with a good friend who gave me the best advice of all. It wasn’t that I should be angry or blow him off. It wasn’t anything negative towards Dustin. It was simply that you can’t help who you fall for and it makes you do crazy things. All I can do is work through it. Love is something that never goes away, you learn to accept the loss over time but you’ll always have a part of you for that person.
I started to think back to my first boyfriend. There will always be a part of me that loves Rob, but I’m over it now. Dustin taught me that I can have strong feelings for someone again; feelings I never thought possible after my first relationship ended almost 5 years ago. I have to admit, I’m still pretty heart broken that Dustin dropped out of existence and has yet to make an effort to talk to me about what’s going on. The only nice thing is that after writing this ridiculously long blog post I am starting to feel a lot better. Chock it up to the therapeutic power of writing I suppose. All I know is that the ball is in his court and hopefully he will come around and feel like he can tell me what’s going on. Despite the fact that all this has gone down I still love him and probably always will in some small way.
Once I finally get some closure, I’ll try and be better about following up and posting a blog to end this saga. For now all I can say is that I’m hopeful this year turns around. I hope to some day find something like what I had with Dustin again…if not then at least I’ve gotten to experience something very special twice now in my life…probably more than many others have ever experienced. I’m either lucky or cursed. I’m not really sure yet.
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I wish Dustin the best and I hope that we can be friends….depending on my mood this second I hope we can be more than friends still. It is hard to have that deep connection and see the amazing possibility that exists with him and not long to have it back. I feel so much pain for the fact that he has to hide who he truly is for fear of losing his family and friends. I want to be there for him because I have gone through exactly what he is experiencing and can vouch for the difficulty in all of it.
I’ve tried not to speculate too much in this blog. There was a lot of theories and ideas that myself and friends thought of as to why he might suddenly go on ignoring me. Some of them better than others, but I would like to wait and see what he has to say before I try and write them out here. When we last spoke on the phone I got the impression that there was some pretty serious things going on in his life lately and if you believe what he says he’s not mad at me. I don’t think anything is going to be a good enough excuse to justify this utter disrespect and lack of communications, but again, I’ll have to wait ad see.
This whole ordeal has made me, yet again, really appreciate the friends I have that are so wonderful to me. Yoga has been another necessity to help take my mind off things, luckily my knee is getting back to normal so I am able to practice again. Daniel, Bridget, Anna, Kristie, Shondi, Taylor, Nathan, Noah, Jack, Gloria, Austin, Wade, Joe, and Jeff were all instrumental in helping me through the past week. They helped me realize who my true friends are and I couldn’t be more thankful to have them all here for me.
Showing posts with label Personal Discoveries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Discoveries. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
How to deal
So today was one of those rare days where I was able to spend a lot of time to myself. I worked later than usual but came home to a quiet and empty house. I put on some music and made dinner. After dinner I watered the grass and gave the downstairs a good thorough cleaning. All of this stuff may sound mundane, but it really gave me some much needed alone time.
The past however long has been difficult for me. I really can't explain why, or even how long ago it started. I've been increasingly antisocial, easy to anger, and somewhat selfish. Whether it stems from the constant disappointments I've faced trying to find the right guy, or the fact that I'm officially in the working adult world I can't say. One thing I have discovered though is that we are only here for a relatively short amount of time and life is much too short to spend it as I had been.
It's safe to say the catalyst in all of this has been Eric, but it could have just as easily been someone else. I've felt like an enormous weight was lifted off my shoulders when we kissed for the first time, and since then I have been able to see things much clearer now. One thing I hope to take away from wherever things with Eric are headed is how to deal.
In my earlier college years I was faced with stress that at the time seemed unimaginable. I was working two jobs, playing in the Longhorn Band, taking 17 hours per semester, and not to mention commuting 45 minutes each way to and from campus every day while living with my parents. It was sometime early on during my sophomore year that everything came crashing down and I just broke down at home crying. My parents were out of town and I was alone, no one around and no one to talk to, the weight of being in the closet and wishing so hard to be straight didn't help either. Coming home every night after 10 pm to heat leftovers in the microwave and go to bed, only to wake up at 6 a.m. and do it all over again...it was no wonder things weren't going so well. All of this led to me finding ways to relieve stress at small increments throughout the week as opposed to letting it build up until I exploded. I would catch short cat-naps in the music building and dream to the collage of sounds creating a symphony around me from nearby rehearsals. I would sneak off or skip a class from time to time and find a piano somewhere to pound out some aggression. Needless to say I no longer have those luxuries.
I think I have finally figured out how to adjust to losing my usual outlets. To many it would seem quite obvious, but it simply wasn't until today that I realized it. Friends. DUH!
I must admit that yesterday was a very rough day, this whole week really has been pretty hectic. I was really upset over a lot of things (mostly work related), and I really needed a break from everything. Eric called at just the right moment it seemed and invited me over. I honestly didn't feel too keen on driving up to see him, but I did anyway and once I saw his adorable post-wisdom teeth surgery swollen face everything else just seemed to float away.
I guess today though is when I realized it isn't necessarily just Eric. Countless times others have provided the same escape (mainly Nathan but many others), and it became obvious that I really need to be there for my friends more. I have spent the past god knows how long systematically distancing myself from my friends because I felt as though my life was becoming stagnant and I wasn't meeting anyone new or doing anything new. This has obviously backfired, and I now know never to try that one again. Eric said to me today (and I won't go into the back story) that friends are one of the most important things to him and he holds them as one of his top priorities. I used to be that way, and I am definitely going to re-align things to be that way again.
So that being said, how to deal with life's problems, challenges, disappointments, and stresses is to grab those close to you and hold on like it's a airplane plummeting out of control, because in the end it's those we love that matter most and everything else ceases to matter.
The past however long has been difficult for me. I really can't explain why, or even how long ago it started. I've been increasingly antisocial, easy to anger, and somewhat selfish. Whether it stems from the constant disappointments I've faced trying to find the right guy, or the fact that I'm officially in the working adult world I can't say. One thing I have discovered though is that we are only here for a relatively short amount of time and life is much too short to spend it as I had been.
It's safe to say the catalyst in all of this has been Eric, but it could have just as easily been someone else. I've felt like an enormous weight was lifted off my shoulders when we kissed for the first time, and since then I have been able to see things much clearer now. One thing I hope to take away from wherever things with Eric are headed is how to deal.
In my earlier college years I was faced with stress that at the time seemed unimaginable. I was working two jobs, playing in the Longhorn Band, taking 17 hours per semester, and not to mention commuting 45 minutes each way to and from campus every day while living with my parents. It was sometime early on during my sophomore year that everything came crashing down and I just broke down at home crying. My parents were out of town and I was alone, no one around and no one to talk to, the weight of being in the closet and wishing so hard to be straight didn't help either. Coming home every night after 10 pm to heat leftovers in the microwave and go to bed, only to wake up at 6 a.m. and do it all over again...it was no wonder things weren't going so well. All of this led to me finding ways to relieve stress at small increments throughout the week as opposed to letting it build up until I exploded. I would catch short cat-naps in the music building and dream to the collage of sounds creating a symphony around me from nearby rehearsals. I would sneak off or skip a class from time to time and find a piano somewhere to pound out some aggression. Needless to say I no longer have those luxuries.
I think I have finally figured out how to adjust to losing my usual outlets. To many it would seem quite obvious, but it simply wasn't until today that I realized it. Friends. DUH!
I must admit that yesterday was a very rough day, this whole week really has been pretty hectic. I was really upset over a lot of things (mostly work related), and I really needed a break from everything. Eric called at just the right moment it seemed and invited me over. I honestly didn't feel too keen on driving up to see him, but I did anyway and once I saw his adorable post-wisdom teeth surgery swollen face everything else just seemed to float away.
I guess today though is when I realized it isn't necessarily just Eric. Countless times others have provided the same escape (mainly Nathan but many others), and it became obvious that I really need to be there for my friends more. I have spent the past god knows how long systematically distancing myself from my friends because I felt as though my life was becoming stagnant and I wasn't meeting anyone new or doing anything new. This has obviously backfired, and I now know never to try that one again. Eric said to me today (and I won't go into the back story) that friends are one of the most important things to him and he holds them as one of his top priorities. I used to be that way, and I am definitely going to re-align things to be that way again.
So that being said, how to deal with life's problems, challenges, disappointments, and stresses is to grab those close to you and hold on like it's a airplane plummeting out of control, because in the end it's those we love that matter most and everything else ceases to matter.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A trip down memory lane
Wow. I must say it's been a long time. I can't even begin to tell you everything you have missed out on this year. I can't help but feel somewhat overwhelmed by the events that have unfolded to make 2007 what it is. I guess I should just pick a few areas and summarize so that we can get caught up. Then maybe I can start writing about new stuff.
Friends:
Let's start with friends. Boy has it been an eventful year. I've made some new friends, lost some old friends; pretty typical I suppose. Nathan, who I met when we by chance became roommates back in the summer of 2006, has since become my absolute best friend. The one I can share everything with. He helped me through a massive breakup early last year and has continued to be there for me through thick and thin. I've met a lot of people this year, and I'm going to talk about how in the next section but needless to say it's been a wild ride.
Earlier in 2007 things got pretty rough with Rob. I think the fact that I was so bitter about the break-up that I wanted to get back at him. In the process of all this backstabbing we both really hurt each other pretty badly. We haven't had a decent conversation in over a year now because of it, and haven't spoken at all in about 8 months. Ironically when we do bump into each other we don't even so much as make eye contact. It's pretty awful and I absolutely hate it. May 2nd I have been invited by Kris to go out on Craig's boat for splash. Rob, who is very good friends with Craig, will also be there. So I've started trying to at least re-build some bridges. I don't want our past to make everyone's time awkward so I'm hoping we can hash out some things soon.
Another noteworthy friendship has been that with Austin, my current roommate. If you asked me how we met I couldn't tell you much other than "through Rob Con". We started thinking about being roommates toward the time my lease at longhorn landing was up in summer of last year. At long last we found a quint little place downtown on 11th street. The apartment is absolutely incredible and I love everything about it...except the rent haha. I'm hoping I will be able to buy a house in the not so distant future for a tax shelter and to get away from the hustle and bustle of downtown. it's beginning to wear on me.
Social Circles
These have been so fluid over the past year it's not even funny. Last march I met Clay...the boy that would change everything. We met at Oil Can Harry's. He was stripping one night and I thought he was so cute, so I gathered my nerves and asked for his number. The next week we were going to the club together and kaboom...one night stand. I can't say I regret it but I do wish things had been different, for that's the straw that broke the camel's back in my friendship with Rob Con. Through Clay I met some pretty interesting characters and before long I joined the ranks of the social elite of the austin "scene". I knew/still know pretty much everyone, and I can safely say when the door men at OCH know you by name and don't ask for ID anymore then you've been going there far too often. Clay was more of a summer fling however and with school coming to an end and the onslaught of full-time employment drawing near my social life was soon to take a very real shift.
Late summer I joined Austin on a weekend camp out on the good ship Ariel on lake Travis for splash. I had just met a guy I really liked named Jack at a graduation party and we seemed to be hitting it off. We all stayed 3 days and 2 nights on a boat with no more than 100 sq ft of living space, and I can safely say...WHAT A BLAST! I spent most of the summer weekends on the boat and juggling my part-time employment at Freescale while finishing 5 hours of coursework for my degree at UT.
Once the end of the summer came and school began things changed. I was working full-time and trying to adjust to suddenly having more money than I knew what to do with and no time to spend it...don't worry...I found the time :). I was still trying to maintain a social status by going out but the late nights and early mornings soon wore me out. I was spending as much time as humanly possible on Joe's boat during the weekend while trying not to go insane from boredom during the week.
I'm not really going to get into but Joe and I have had a pretty major falling out. He's not thought of very highly in the community and his attachment to me was beginning to grow beyond my comfort zone. Since then I have been taking the free time to take some fitness classes, rekindle old friendships, and make new ones. I've begun hanging out with Alex Cherry, Kris Garcia, and company which has been very refreshing from the lights and flashiness of scene life. Nathan and of course my roommate Austin have also kept me company, and work....has been insane to say the least.
Relationships
This one has been somewhat interesting over the past year. Way back in January/February Rob and I had just broken up but we were trying to keep a friendship going. Although in all honesty most everyone thought it was still a relationship given the circumstances. March began without a hitch until one night when we were at the club and my eye caught a boy that I thought was just the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. Clay is his name, and after him things would change drastically. I must admit in hind site that the way events progressed could have been better. Rob became pretty jealous and after I rejected him when he asked me to take him back (for reasons I won't get into), and he and I really haven't spoken since save the ocassional random hello.
Clay and I never had what you would call a relationship; although sadly I didn't find this out until after the fact. It wasn't until two months down the road that I realized I was nothing more than a fuck buddy for him. Needless to say since I had subconsciously replaced a void that rob had left with him it gouged me pretty deep. We have stayed pretty good friends but about 4 months Ago he moved to New York and I haven't heard much from him since.
Last may, I met Jack. Things seemed to start off great and finally I thought I had found someone. Sadly, things just didn't seem to click and our relationship remained quite stagnant for a while. I think it wasn't until September sometime that we finally decided enough was enough and it wasn't going to work out. Although what we had was never a relationship either but more a friendship with benefits so to speak. Luckily though, Jack and I, despite some minor difficulties, have remained to this day very good friends.
I spent much of the last 8 months or so bouncing back and forth between crushes never really finding anything. I even went through a rather depressing phase where I was convinced that Rob was the only one for me and I'd never find anyone ever again. One person; however, would change all that. There was one crush, although short lived, that dragged me out of that phase and into the place that I am now...pure and utter content. Kris has been a friend of mine for sometime now but for some reason, and don't ask me why, I latched on. We had been spending more and more time together and all of a sudden I finally felt as though things were looking up and like I could finally move on. I admitted my feelings to him and was denied, but not in a bad way I suppose. I was really just happy to have developed a much closer friendship with Kris and finally I now know I'm free of the ball and chain that was longing for someone I could/would/will never have again. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life now, and I couldn't be more excited.
Work
So when I last blogged here I had just received my full-time offer from Freescale, and was working part-time for them as a contractor through an environmental consulting company called Cook-Joyce Inc. I spent much of 2007 doing special projects and a senior thesis/research project. In cooperation with UT I investigated the feasibility of treating the industrial wastewater stream at one of Freescale's Austin, TX facilities in order for it to be re-used on-site for cooling purposes. I collected samples, did bench-scale testing and unit operations, designed a full scale system and built a cost estimate based on that design. Working with a team of engineers from Freescale I identified the potential for millions of dollars in savings annually and wrote my senior thesis on this design. Needless to say, it was a busy summer.
On August 27th, 2007 I began my full-time career. After taking a two week vacation in Maine with family, I returned to Austin to begin work. I began taking ownership of various programs within the Environment, Health, and Safety group as well as continuing special project support as needed. I have since done everything from hob-knobbing with executives at the HRC gala, being asked to sit-in for our CEO at an Austin Symphony concert, helping to draft various awareness emails and posters throughout the city, applying for and winning awards for Freescale's environmental programs, and even finding nearly $200,000 in annual savings for the company.
After six months full-time I have two offices in Austin, I have become the contact for statistics and reporting in Austin, met most of the company's executives, been given a raise, and scheduled to review for a promotion. Needless to say this is one aspect of my life that has been a resounding success and I am sure will continue in that fashion.
School
I suppose there isn't too much to say here. I graduated with honors in August of 2007 with a Bachelors of Chemical Engineering from the University of Texas at Austin. I received the distinguished honor of Senior of the Year in Chemical Engineering for 2007 which came with a scholarship. Not to mention UT ChE is ranked among the top 10 ChE schools in the nation and graduating with a 3.5 GPA has been no small task. I'm not trying to brag too much here but to be honest I put in four years of excruciating work for this accomplishment. I sacrificed a social life and worked 20-30 hours per week while taking 17 hours per semester of engineering classes. Not to mention averaging 9 hours of classes each summer as well as working full-time. I poured my heart and soul into getting this degree so I think I'm entitled to a little bragging.
Some other achievements of my college career have been founding a student organization, receiving the Intel Undergraduate Research Fellowship for my nanotechnological research on particle interactions in advanced co-polymer matrices. I received University Honors 4 semesters in a row and was a member of Longhorn Band.
Family
So if you're wondering wether or not I have come out to my family the answer is...sorta... My sister and cousins, yes. My parents no...although my sister swears that they know and I must say I agree. It has been a pretty typical year but overall the family is doing well. My mom and dad are still working their same jobs while my sister has recently begun her journey as a college student. She is majoring in math and Keneisiology at UT and strives to some day be a statistician. I still go home most every sunday just to visit and catch up; overall, things are good.
So what's next?
Good question. I honestly don't know and that's what excites me. I'm working on my Professional Engineer's (PE) license with the state currently and plan on getting an MBA in the not so distant future. Relationship wise I can really only ponder and hope that I will find that special guy soon. I hope to buy a house in the next few years and settle down with someone. Needless to say, I haven't really thought much into that part.
All I know is I'm at a stage in my life where anything goes. I am almost free in every since of the word and I have nothing but my happiness and content to show for it. The only way forward is up and I'm nearly on cloud nine...
Friends:
Let's start with friends. Boy has it been an eventful year. I've made some new friends, lost some old friends; pretty typical I suppose. Nathan, who I met when we by chance became roommates back in the summer of 2006, has since become my absolute best friend. The one I can share everything with. He helped me through a massive breakup early last year and has continued to be there for me through thick and thin. I've met a lot of people this year, and I'm going to talk about how in the next section but needless to say it's been a wild ride.
Earlier in 2007 things got pretty rough with Rob. I think the fact that I was so bitter about the break-up that I wanted to get back at him. In the process of all this backstabbing we both really hurt each other pretty badly. We haven't had a decent conversation in over a year now because of it, and haven't spoken at all in about 8 months. Ironically when we do bump into each other we don't even so much as make eye contact. It's pretty awful and I absolutely hate it. May 2nd I have been invited by Kris to go out on Craig's boat for splash. Rob, who is very good friends with Craig, will also be there. So I've started trying to at least re-build some bridges. I don't want our past to make everyone's time awkward so I'm hoping we can hash out some things soon.
Another noteworthy friendship has been that with Austin, my current roommate. If you asked me how we met I couldn't tell you much other than "through Rob Con". We started thinking about being roommates toward the time my lease at longhorn landing was up in summer of last year. At long last we found a quint little place downtown on 11th street. The apartment is absolutely incredible and I love everything about it...except the rent haha. I'm hoping I will be able to buy a house in the not so distant future for a tax shelter and to get away from the hustle and bustle of downtown. it's beginning to wear on me.
Social Circles
These have been so fluid over the past year it's not even funny. Last march I met Clay...the boy that would change everything. We met at Oil Can Harry's. He was stripping one night and I thought he was so cute, so I gathered my nerves and asked for his number. The next week we were going to the club together and kaboom...one night stand. I can't say I regret it but I do wish things had been different, for that's the straw that broke the camel's back in my friendship with Rob Con. Through Clay I met some pretty interesting characters and before long I joined the ranks of the social elite of the austin "scene". I knew/still know pretty much everyone, and I can safely say when the door men at OCH know you by name and don't ask for ID anymore then you've been going there far too often. Clay was more of a summer fling however and with school coming to an end and the onslaught of full-time employment drawing near my social life was soon to take a very real shift.
Late summer I joined Austin on a weekend camp out on the good ship Ariel on lake Travis for splash. I had just met a guy I really liked named Jack at a graduation party and we seemed to be hitting it off. We all stayed 3 days and 2 nights on a boat with no more than 100 sq ft of living space, and I can safely say...WHAT A BLAST! I spent most of the summer weekends on the boat and juggling my part-time employment at Freescale while finishing 5 hours of coursework for my degree at UT.
Once the end of the summer came and school began things changed. I was working full-time and trying to adjust to suddenly having more money than I knew what to do with and no time to spend it...don't worry...I found the time :). I was still trying to maintain a social status by going out but the late nights and early mornings soon wore me out. I was spending as much time as humanly possible on Joe's boat during the weekend while trying not to go insane from boredom during the week.
I'm not really going to get into but Joe and I have had a pretty major falling out. He's not thought of very highly in the community and his attachment to me was beginning to grow beyond my comfort zone. Since then I have been taking the free time to take some fitness classes, rekindle old friendships, and make new ones. I've begun hanging out with Alex Cherry, Kris Garcia, and company which has been very refreshing from the lights and flashiness of scene life. Nathan and of course my roommate Austin have also kept me company, and work....has been insane to say the least.
Relationships
This one has been somewhat interesting over the past year. Way back in January/February Rob and I had just broken up but we were trying to keep a friendship going. Although in all honesty most everyone thought it was still a relationship given the circumstances. March began without a hitch until one night when we were at the club and my eye caught a boy that I thought was just the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. Clay is his name, and after him things would change drastically. I must admit in hind site that the way events progressed could have been better. Rob became pretty jealous and after I rejected him when he asked me to take him back (for reasons I won't get into), and he and I really haven't spoken since save the ocassional random hello.
Clay and I never had what you would call a relationship; although sadly I didn't find this out until after the fact. It wasn't until two months down the road that I realized I was nothing more than a fuck buddy for him. Needless to say since I had subconsciously replaced a void that rob had left with him it gouged me pretty deep. We have stayed pretty good friends but about 4 months Ago he moved to New York and I haven't heard much from him since.
Last may, I met Jack. Things seemed to start off great and finally I thought I had found someone. Sadly, things just didn't seem to click and our relationship remained quite stagnant for a while. I think it wasn't until September sometime that we finally decided enough was enough and it wasn't going to work out. Although what we had was never a relationship either but more a friendship with benefits so to speak. Luckily though, Jack and I, despite some minor difficulties, have remained to this day very good friends.
I spent much of the last 8 months or so bouncing back and forth between crushes never really finding anything. I even went through a rather depressing phase where I was convinced that Rob was the only one for me and I'd never find anyone ever again. One person; however, would change all that. There was one crush, although short lived, that dragged me out of that phase and into the place that I am now...pure and utter content. Kris has been a friend of mine for sometime now but for some reason, and don't ask me why, I latched on. We had been spending more and more time together and all of a sudden I finally felt as though things were looking up and like I could finally move on. I admitted my feelings to him and was denied, but not in a bad way I suppose. I was really just happy to have developed a much closer friendship with Kris and finally I now know I'm free of the ball and chain that was longing for someone I could/would/will never have again. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life now, and I couldn't be more excited.
Work
So when I last blogged here I had just received my full-time offer from Freescale, and was working part-time for them as a contractor through an environmental consulting company called Cook-Joyce Inc. I spent much of 2007 doing special projects and a senior thesis/research project. In cooperation with UT I investigated the feasibility of treating the industrial wastewater stream at one of Freescale's Austin, TX facilities in order for it to be re-used on-site for cooling purposes. I collected samples, did bench-scale testing and unit operations, designed a full scale system and built a cost estimate based on that design. Working with a team of engineers from Freescale I identified the potential for millions of dollars in savings annually and wrote my senior thesis on this design. Needless to say, it was a busy summer.
On August 27th, 2007 I began my full-time career. After taking a two week vacation in Maine with family, I returned to Austin to begin work. I began taking ownership of various programs within the Environment, Health, and Safety group as well as continuing special project support as needed. I have since done everything from hob-knobbing with executives at the HRC gala, being asked to sit-in for our CEO at an Austin Symphony concert, helping to draft various awareness emails and posters throughout the city, applying for and winning awards for Freescale's environmental programs, and even finding nearly $200,000 in annual savings for the company.
After six months full-time I have two offices in Austin, I have become the contact for statistics and reporting in Austin, met most of the company's executives, been given a raise, and scheduled to review for a promotion. Needless to say this is one aspect of my life that has been a resounding success and I am sure will continue in that fashion.
School
I suppose there isn't too much to say here. I graduated with honors in August of 2007 with a Bachelors of Chemical Engineering from the University of Texas at Austin. I received the distinguished honor of Senior of the Year in Chemical Engineering for 2007 which came with a scholarship. Not to mention UT ChE is ranked among the top 10 ChE schools in the nation and graduating with a 3.5 GPA has been no small task. I'm not trying to brag too much here but to be honest I put in four years of excruciating work for this accomplishment. I sacrificed a social life and worked 20-30 hours per week while taking 17 hours per semester of engineering classes. Not to mention averaging 9 hours of classes each summer as well as working full-time. I poured my heart and soul into getting this degree so I think I'm entitled to a little bragging.
Some other achievements of my college career have been founding a student organization, receiving the Intel Undergraduate Research Fellowship for my nanotechnological research on particle interactions in advanced co-polymer matrices. I received University Honors 4 semesters in a row and was a member of Longhorn Band.
Family
So if you're wondering wether or not I have come out to my family the answer is...sorta... My sister and cousins, yes. My parents no...although my sister swears that they know and I must say I agree. It has been a pretty typical year but overall the family is doing well. My mom and dad are still working their same jobs while my sister has recently begun her journey as a college student. She is majoring in math and Keneisiology at UT and strives to some day be a statistician. I still go home most every sunday just to visit and catch up; overall, things are good.
So what's next?
Good question. I honestly don't know and that's what excites me. I'm working on my Professional Engineer's (PE) license with the state currently and plan on getting an MBA in the not so distant future. Relationship wise I can really only ponder and hope that I will find that special guy soon. I hope to buy a house in the next few years and settle down with someone. Needless to say, I haven't really thought much into that part.
All I know is I'm at a stage in my life where anything goes. I am almost free in every since of the word and I have nothing but my happiness and content to show for it. The only way forward is up and I'm nearly on cloud nine...
Monday, March 17, 2008
two years
Two years ago things were very different. I had just recently come out to my friends. Furthermore, I had met a guy who I had begun to develop some pretty strong feelings for. Little did I know that two years ago tonight things would change. A snowball of emotions would start to roll and roll until finally it would explode at the bottom of a mountain and cause extensive damage. Lucky for me, today, two years later...the damage has healed.
It was the last night of SXSW. My friend and I were sitting on the second floor balcony of the Marriott Hotel downtown playing checkers and enjoying the music flowing from all around us. I don’t know what triggered it, but at some point we just looked at each other, and kissed. Now if you don’t count my ONLY previous experience kissing a guy which was with my curious straight friend growing up, it was the my first kiss with another boy. Right at that moment the finale fire works for SXSW shot up over us. To this day I can’t believe how incredible the timing was. Not to mention how ridiculously romantic it was also...kinda makes me sick. Everything in that moment seemed perfect.
Over the next year our relationship grew into something rather remarkable, but little did I know at the time it would all come crashing down like a ton of bricks on a carton of eggs. That was a little over a year ago, and it completely destroyed me emotionally.
I’ve spent the past year trying to fill that void. I’ve made some mistakes, and met some really amazing life long friends in the process, but after all that time and until just over a week ago I never once felt the same thing for anyone. I had truly come to the conclusion that I would never meet someone and feel that way about anyone ever again. At the young age of 22 I had already begun to show the first signs of being a bitter old queen.
Last weekend that all changed. I spent a few days with a friend who I had really only begun getting close to recently. I don’t know what sparked it honestly, but all of a sudden I found myself with butterflies in my stomach, and feeling like a nervous wreck. when the weekend was over everything just felt so empty like something was seriously missing. I though, holy shit could it be. I was (to quote Thumper from the movie "Bambi") "Twidderpated".
For the first time in a long time I felt like I had met someone special, but what worried me was that it was a friend with whom I had been building a good friendship with. Needless to say, this week was hell. I have been wracking my brain to decide if I should risk it all and say something, or just leave it alone. One thing was for sure, I was relieved. Honestly, no matter what happened, I knew and now know that I will find someone again. This friend unknowingly took baggage I have been carrying around for over a year and threw it out the window onto the highway where it was subsequently run over by several dozen 18 wheelers.
So tonight, I decided to risk it all...granted in a somewhat unconventional manner, but never mind that. I told him. I’m sorry to say, but for your sake I’m going to cut out the details and say...yes..I’m still single, but you know what...I’m so glad I risked it. It turns out that even though nothing came of it, I’m not in anyway sad or upset or anything...really I’m mostly relieved to get that off my chest. I’ve now realized what a great friend he is going to be for me now and hopefully I will be able to do the same.
I came out of this crazy confusing week alive and better than expected. The result...a stronger friendship, a renewed sense of purpose, and the realization that I have finally shed the shackles of a very nasty and devastating break up from over a year ago. So two years after one life changing night I’m finally free of it all.
To the friend that has just done more for me than he may ever know, thanks! I now owe you more than I can possibly repay.
To those that tried to break down my defenses and get me to open up to them over the past year, I’m sorry. All I know is (and you know who you are) I am grateful that you tried, and I’m so glad that we have been able to stay friends. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been but know that I’ll always love you.
And to the one person I will name, Nathan, my best friend. I love you so much. You were my unwavering support through it all and I know you will always be there for me.
Now that I feel about 10,000 pounds lighter emotionally and life suddenly has a renewed purpose for me there’s really only one thing left to say...
HELLO WORLD!
Love,
Rob
It was the last night of SXSW. My friend and I were sitting on the second floor balcony of the Marriott Hotel downtown playing checkers and enjoying the music flowing from all around us. I don’t know what triggered it, but at some point we just looked at each other, and kissed. Now if you don’t count my ONLY previous experience kissing a guy which was with my curious straight friend growing up, it was the my first kiss with another boy. Right at that moment the finale fire works for SXSW shot up over us. To this day I can’t believe how incredible the timing was. Not to mention how ridiculously romantic it was also...kinda makes me sick. Everything in that moment seemed perfect.
Over the next year our relationship grew into something rather remarkable, but little did I know at the time it would all come crashing down like a ton of bricks on a carton of eggs. That was a little over a year ago, and it completely destroyed me emotionally.
I’ve spent the past year trying to fill that void. I’ve made some mistakes, and met some really amazing life long friends in the process, but after all that time and until just over a week ago I never once felt the same thing for anyone. I had truly come to the conclusion that I would never meet someone and feel that way about anyone ever again. At the young age of 22 I had already begun to show the first signs of being a bitter old queen.
Last weekend that all changed. I spent a few days with a friend who I had really only begun getting close to recently. I don’t know what sparked it honestly, but all of a sudden I found myself with butterflies in my stomach, and feeling like a nervous wreck. when the weekend was over everything just felt so empty like something was seriously missing. I though, holy shit could it be. I was (to quote Thumper from the movie "Bambi") "Twidderpated".
For the first time in a long time I felt like I had met someone special, but what worried me was that it was a friend with whom I had been building a good friendship with. Needless to say, this week was hell. I have been wracking my brain to decide if I should risk it all and say something, or just leave it alone. One thing was for sure, I was relieved. Honestly, no matter what happened, I knew and now know that I will find someone again. This friend unknowingly took baggage I have been carrying around for over a year and threw it out the window onto the highway where it was subsequently run over by several dozen 18 wheelers.
So tonight, I decided to risk it all...granted in a somewhat unconventional manner, but never mind that. I told him. I’m sorry to say, but for your sake I’m going to cut out the details and say...yes..I’m still single, but you know what...I’m so glad I risked it. It turns out that even though nothing came of it, I’m not in anyway sad or upset or anything...really I’m mostly relieved to get that off my chest. I’ve now realized what a great friend he is going to be for me now and hopefully I will be able to do the same.
I came out of this crazy confusing week alive and better than expected. The result...a stronger friendship, a renewed sense of purpose, and the realization that I have finally shed the shackles of a very nasty and devastating break up from over a year ago. So two years after one life changing night I’m finally free of it all.
To the friend that has just done more for me than he may ever know, thanks! I now owe you more than I can possibly repay.
To those that tried to break down my defenses and get me to open up to them over the past year, I’m sorry. All I know is (and you know who you are) I am grateful that you tried, and I’m so glad that we have been able to stay friends. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been but know that I’ll always love you.
And to the one person I will name, Nathan, my best friend. I love you so much. You were my unwavering support through it all and I know you will always be there for me.
Now that I feel about 10,000 pounds lighter emotionally and life suddenly has a renewed purpose for me there’s really only one thing left to say...
HELLO WORLD!
Love,
Rob
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Sad life changes
Well, life has changed. My 9.5 month relationship with Robert has ended. We came to mutual agreement to end things after our incompatibilities were just too much to bear. We will always remain friends, and I will always love him. I know I haven't posted in a very long time, infact, not since Rob and I were only 3 months together. It has been a wild ride and I have few regrets. I know he will find someone to make him happy and I will be there to support him. I only hope I can find someone to make me as happy as Rob did.
As for other things, the summer went by without a hitch. I worked as an intern for Freescale Semiconductor where I learned tons about environmental engineering. I have been working with them part time throughout the semester and just recently accepted a full-time job offer with them. I graduate in august of 07 and I'm very excited. I am taking 12 hours this semester and 5 more over the summer to finish my degree. I'm staying in Austin and I'm looking forward to the future with great anticipation.
I will try to keep up with the blog now, but no guarantees.
good tidings and good luck
As for other things, the summer went by without a hitch. I worked as an intern for Freescale Semiconductor where I learned tons about environmental engineering. I have been working with them part time throughout the semester and just recently accepted a full-time job offer with them. I graduate in august of 07 and I'm very excited. I am taking 12 hours this semester and 5 more over the summer to finish my degree. I'm staying in Austin and I'm looking forward to the future with great anticipation.
I will try to keep up with the blog now, but no guarantees.
good tidings and good luck
Monday, March 20, 2006
roller coaster
So update time I suppose.
I spent most all of spring break with Rob. It began with me going to p-ville the friday before last and staying the night at Robs (see previous post). Then the next day going to a party and haveing a great time. Tuesday, Rob, Rob's friends, my friend sara, and I went to Austin zoo. They left and I invited rob to stay. My cousin came into town that night and we all got trashed together. It's funny, we sat down to watch a movie and Rob and I were all over eachother, like holding hands and tickling and stuff...my cousin was like, "so how long have you two been dating?" well, we were too drunk to realize that she was still there and I was like, shit, well I guess the cat's out of the bag now. She said we were so cute and what not. anyway he stayed over and I brought him home the next morning. the next few days were basically fun filled with drinking. Then friday we met rob for sushi downtown and celebrated st pattie's day. Rob and I had our first "public" kiss on the balcony of this nice hotel downtown right when the SXSW fireworks show began and everything just clicked. It was so perfect, I felt such a great connection and he feels the same. Rob spent the night again friday night and saturday when I brought him home I spent all day and most of the night there then came home at 3am because I had to work.
so other than that everthing was ok. School is back in session so that really sucks. I can't wait till this weekend so I can see rob again. other than that there's nothing really new. keep in touch
I spent most all of spring break with Rob. It began with me going to p-ville the friday before last and staying the night at Robs (see previous post). Then the next day going to a party and haveing a great time. Tuesday, Rob, Rob's friends, my friend sara, and I went to Austin zoo. They left and I invited rob to stay. My cousin came into town that night and we all got trashed together. It's funny, we sat down to watch a movie and Rob and I were all over eachother, like holding hands and tickling and stuff...my cousin was like, "so how long have you two been dating?" well, we were too drunk to realize that she was still there and I was like, shit, well I guess the cat's out of the bag now. She said we were so cute and what not. anyway he stayed over and I brought him home the next morning. the next few days were basically fun filled with drinking. Then friday we met rob for sushi downtown and celebrated st pattie's day. Rob and I had our first "public" kiss on the balcony of this nice hotel downtown right when the SXSW fireworks show began and everything just clicked. It was so perfect, I felt such a great connection and he feels the same. Rob spent the night again friday night and saturday when I brought him home I spent all day and most of the night there then came home at 3am because I had to work.
so other than that everthing was ok. School is back in session so that really sucks. I can't wait till this weekend so I can see rob again. other than that there's nothing really new. keep in touch
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Doomed to be single
Well,
I guess I should give some background into why I dislike valentines day so much. I must say I am just so bitter because I never have someone to spend it with :(. All I can say is I seem to always fall for the straight guys (maybe it's because they are unattainable and I like to shoot for the stars...forgive the cliche), and it just seems everytime there is a really fucking hot guy around, he turns the corner and makes out with his girlfriend. Anyway that is pretty much the reason why I dislike V-day so much. I am always so jealous of everyone else. So anyway my dad called me about a million times while I was at work to see if I would be home tuesday night, well, of course. Then I got home and he bithced at me for not calling back. Well, fuck, if I am busy at work I am not going to go and make a damn unimportant phone call...Here is but another taste of what I have to live with. About a week ago this commercial for Brokeback Mountain came on (I havn't seen it yet, is it good?) and my dad said, and I quote, "Fucking queers, why the hell can't they keep that nasty shit in the closet. I mean, I am sure there were gay cowboys but they kept in the the closet. Fucking disgusting fagot hollywood types, trying to make these homos seem like decent people." Can you beleive that shit. I have to fucking live with that. Now you know why I can't tell my parents, especially my dad would disown me...it is really stressful. I can't wait until I can move out...Anyway I have a test monday and need to get to studying....as usual.
I guess I should give some background into why I dislike valentines day so much. I must say I am just so bitter because I never have someone to spend it with :(. All I can say is I seem to always fall for the straight guys (maybe it's because they are unattainable and I like to shoot for the stars...forgive the cliche), and it just seems everytime there is a really fucking hot guy around, he turns the corner and makes out with his girlfriend. Anyway that is pretty much the reason why I dislike V-day so much. I am always so jealous of everyone else. So anyway my dad called me about a million times while I was at work to see if I would be home tuesday night, well, of course. Then I got home and he bithced at me for not calling back. Well, fuck, if I am busy at work I am not going to go and make a damn unimportant phone call...Here is but another taste of what I have to live with. About a week ago this commercial for Brokeback Mountain came on (I havn't seen it yet, is it good?) and my dad said, and I quote, "Fucking queers, why the hell can't they keep that nasty shit in the closet. I mean, I am sure there were gay cowboys but they kept in the the closet. Fucking disgusting fagot hollywood types, trying to make these homos seem like decent people." Can you beleive that shit. I have to fucking live with that. Now you know why I can't tell my parents, especially my dad would disown me...it is really stressful. I can't wait until I can move out...Anyway I have a test monday and need to get to studying....as usual.
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