I suppose I should start off by saying the typical, “I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted” statements.
With that out of the way, I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of way to post about big events in my life, changes, musings, etc. I think the events of this year have been an emotional whirlwind of fun, friends, heartbreak, and more. I hope to capture a lot of it here; partially to vent and partially as historical record so that in 10 years when I come back and read these I can remember everything I’ve done and learned.
To be completely honest a lot of this year has blurred by. I’ve dated a few ppl here and there. None of them really materialized until recently, which then seemed to come crashing down for reasons I have yet to figure out; this post will serve as a way to put my feelings and thoughts into writing so that hopefully I can feel a little better about things.
In all honesty, I have to warn you…the rest of this blog is mostly just a recap of how I met a guy and went through one of the most emotionally topsy turvey relationships I’ve ever experienced. You will likely get bored, but this is more for me to vent and get things down on paper, like I said.
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It was April 23 that I first met Dustin. I must say the circumstances of our introduction were stereotypical of the gay community….Grindr....as embarrassing as it is to admit. I was at my friend Joey’s house waiting for him to pack for our day trip out to lake Travis. I jumped online and there were a few profiles in my feed. I clicked on Dustin’s and send a “hello” message. Typically I’m online to be social and meet new people, he didn’t have a facepic, which I usually avoid but for some reason I felt compelled to message him. It didn’t take long for us to hit it off. We exchanged numbers and spent much of the day texting and getting to know each other. After leaving the lake that night I drove to meet him for drinks and a movie at his place. Needless to say it was an amazing night. In an effort to keep this rated G, lets just say it was the most memorable and fantastic experience I’ve ever had. Period.
The next day I left to see a movie with my family and we agreed to see each other for a dinner date the next night. We went to Inoteca and then to Austin Java. It was an amazing night. The next day I had a trip planned to Napa, CA with my best friend Nathan and our two friends from Seattle that would be meeting us there. The week we spent in Napa, though in and of itself deserving of a blog post, was amazing but is not why I’m writing today. I think Dustin and I did not go more than 2-3 hours the entire week without texting. Things were going so wonderfully and moving quickly but I didn’t think much of it. I’m typically a go-with-the-flow kind of guy and there seemed to be a connection forming that was beyond my ability to control.
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I suppose I should take a time-out to actually tell you about Dustin. There are so many things that should have told me to run away. Things that are not necessarily bad, but very difficult to deal with in a relationship. Dustin is 20 almost 21, and despite his age he is very well adjusted. Working full-time for a company in Austin while going to school for a Marketing degree is no small feat. His job involves doing some marketing work, which is a great experience and start to his career. Along with that he is paying for school and his apartment on his own with a few student loans and not much financial help from family; very similar to how I got through college.
Dustin is smart, beautiful, and in many ways exhibits my ideal guy. Loves to cook, organized, driven, in-shape, etc etc.
The real burden that he has, though, is still being in the closet. Granted, at 20 years old I had not quite come out yet either so I can very much relate. He comes from a conservative background in a conservative area of the state. None of his family or friends know that he’s gay which is a very difficult place for someone to be. It never feels that way until after coming out, but once that burden is lifted it is amazing how much easier things can be. Dustin will some day understand that, I hope.
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So, after that week in Napa we agreed that Dustin would meet me at my house as soon as I got back from the airport. Over the next several weeks we saw each other fairly frequently and spent many nights at each other’s respective homes. Things seemed to be progressing nicely. All my friends seemed to really like him and when we were together everything seemed right.
I told Nathan repeatedly over those few weeks that I wasn’t going to let myself get emotionally attached to him. I’ve been through relationships before, and for some reason when I get emotionally involved too early it doesn’t always work well. I suppose it is an effort to protect myself after all that I went through with Rob Con. The only problem was that Dustin was making it increasingly more difficult to hold back. The constant texts, the half-asleep/half-awake “I love you” he kept mumbling. I’m not one to throw the L word out so early and I know that when said in those circumstances it isn’t necessarily meant. It was still obvious that Dustin was very into me and I was into him. Everything was shaping up to be a really great thing. Not to mention, the physical aspects of our relationship were amazing. Far and away the best I’ve ever experienced. I suppose it’s possible lust played a huge role in this ordeal, but I don’t pretend to be an expert on the psychology of relationships.
Somewhere along the way I asked Dustin to be my boyfriend. Each time I would ask he would suggest that he liked the idea and was interested, but would quickly change the subject. Though we had already agreed to be exclusive the title was a public (well, pseudo-public given Dustin isn’t out) way of showing that. I finally asked him why he was constantly dodging the question. He told me the story of his last boyfriend and how it ended badly because they spent too much time together. Somehow Dustin got the idea that being in a relationship requires a minimum time commitment and that in his previous experience that requirement ruined a good thing. I tried to convince him that it is not a time commitment but a mutual declaration of exclusivity and affection. Despite these repeated attempts he didn’t seem to budge. I got the impression that he just doesn’t like titles too much, but he did agree to be exclusive and that was at least temporarily satisfying for me.
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It wasn’t until Memorial Day weekend when things started to get shaky. The week before Dustin’s parents had moved in with him for a while since they had sold their house and had not found a place to stay yet. This threw a wrench in the spokes of a relationship that was equivalent to a bike careening out of control down a steep hill. We went from 3-4 times a week to once a week or less seeing each other. Obviously we were limited by the fact that with his parents staying with him we were confined to my house and he had to have reasons to not be with his parents, and suffice it to say, “staying with my boy friend” wouldn’t have been the right one to use. We tried to make plans on several occasions, but for some reason he would flake out about 80% of the time. Something had changed.
Then a week later, Memorial Day weekend, Dustin lost his phone and had no way to communicate to me. I was on-call that weekend and spending most of it at home. I was pretty worried that plans we had tentatively made never materialized and I could not get a hold of him at all. It wasn’t until that Monday that we finally touched base and he told me the story. Though judging by recent events, I should probably be happy that he made the effort so quickly to contact me. Things still seemed to be going great despite that recent challenge and the lack of getting to see each other as much. I did bring up the boyfriends thing again later that week and that is when Dustin again said that he didn’t want another “full-time job”. Sadly before I could come back and explain, again, that a relationship is not a full-time job he had signed off Facebook.
Throughout that week Dustin and I Facebook chatted constantly. We kept in touch every day and planned to spend the following weekend together and go to a birthday party on June 4th for a friend of mine. At the party we had a lot of fun and things seemed just as great as they had been. Later that night Dustin tripped and stumbled into my leg causing some pretty sharp pains to shoot up my leg. I didn’t really think much of it at the time and the next day, despite a little soreness, everything seemed fine. That night and the following day were just as wonderful as things had been when we first met, and it was the last time I saw Dustin.
Over the course of the next week Dustin and I continued to talk but my knee continued to get progressively worse. I went to the Doctor who suspected a torn meniscus, we ordered MRIs to confirm a diagnosis. Dustin showed some concern and we, again, agreed to spend the following Sunday together out on Lake Travis.
June 11 was the last time I heard from him. We were talking about the following day and planning our trip. The last thing he said was how he was looking forward to the lake and that he would be going to a party that night. The next day, he never showed and was completely unresponsive to me.
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My knee was now in pretty bad shape and I had yet to get any results back from the MRI. After speaking with my doctor friend he insisted that I see a specialist immediately after examining my leg that weekend. He feared that something could get worse and I may never run or do Yoga again. I realize that Dustin causing my injury the week before was a complete accident but I was shocked that he didn’t seem to be motivated to see me or really ask how I was doing. As I spent the next two days at work on crutches I sent Dustin a message asking why he had flaked on me.
Throughout that week I was very upset. There were some moments when I nearly broke down out of complete fear for the worst regarding my knee and the fact that Dustin never seemed to care. Luckily later that week the MRI and X-rays showed no permanent damage. There was some visible femoral scraping and the specialist noted that I may have strained a ligament or two, but it would all heal up in a few weeks.
Still, no word from Dustin.
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I went another two weeks, still without any word from Dustin. My birthday week came and the party he had been invited too was fast approaching. To be honest, I had all but written him off. I think in part due to being so busy and distracted at work, and also in part to focusing on getting my knee better. I didn’t have time to really stop and think about what was going on. I was very upset, granted, but for some reason I didn’t feel like things were over. I continued to message him frequently asking him to talk to me, but to no avail.
The week of my birthday I still had no luck contacting Dustin. I had sent him a long message begging him to tell me what was going on. I could see that he had been on Facebook since he was posting on his wall, but he, for whatever reason, was ignoring me. When I saw that he was blatantly ignoring me I removed him from the birthday party event invite. I didn’t go out of my way to tell him not to come, because I secretly hoped he would still show. I still messaged him every day asking him to please contact me.
On my birthday in a fit of frustration I blocked him on Facebook. It was mostly an effort to keep myself from thinking about him. All it did was make things worse for me. I had subsequently made it impossible for Dustin to come around and respond.
Needless to say, he was a no show for the birthday party.
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On June 22, my band director from High School died in his sleep. The news came as a bit of a shock to me, and the funeral was scheduled for the day after my birthday party. The man was brilliant and an inspiration to me in many ways.
That day, many of my HS friends came to town for the service. Though it was wonderful to see everyone, the terms were somewhat difficult. I wasn’t all that emotional at the funeral, nor had I any reason to be. I’ve always treated funerals as a remembrance and celebration of that person’s life. It had been many years since I had seen my band director so the pain of loss was relatively obscured by fond memories of my HS days and getting to spend time with old friends.
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I can’t be entirely sure if it was simply a coalescence of several weeks worth of anger, sadness, fear, and loss or just the final realization that something had gone terribly wrong but last Monday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. The first thought that came into my head that morning was Dustin and I’ve yet to shake it, even now. I realized that whatever it was that happened to cause him to effectively ignore my existence might be beyond my comprehension. Partly it was fear that I did something wrong and partly sadness that whatever it was and for whatever reason, Dustin did not feel as though he could confide in me. I had to take Monday afternoon off and broke down once I got home. I immediately unblocked and re-added him on Facebook, realizing that if he did finally come around and decide to talk to me he wouldn’t be able to.
Obviously I was pretty upset. Normally, I would have given him the big “FUCK YOU” weeks before after ignoring me for so long, but I just couldn’t. I realized that despite the fact that I have been treated quite poorly, I had fallen in love with Dustin. I realized that the past few weeks were painful for me, but had absolutely no idea why he had suddenly disappeared. Obviously something must have happened at that party he went to the last time he spoke to me but I couldn’t figure out what. I feared the worst, maybe he met someone else, or maybe I did something without knowing and pissed him off. I needed closure.
That night I had coffee with a friend and drove up to his apartment afterward on the off chance that he might be home. He wasn’t.
The next day I had business to take care of in North Austin and, again, dropped by Dustin’s apartment His truck was there and it was about the time of day when he is awake and getting ready for work. I knocked on the door, on the window. I even waited 20 minutes incase he had been in the shower. It was 10am and he still hadn’t responded which is usually the time that he leaves for work in the morning. I called his office and they said that he had not come in yet. Now I was getting really worried. I left a note on his truck again, pleading with him to contact me.
Finally on Wednesday I just couldn’t take it anymore. I called his office in the afternoon and was finally able to get through to him. Once I heard his voice I could barely choke out words through the tears. For the fourth time that day I had to step out of my office outside from being too emotional. He simply responded by saying he was too busy to talk but would call me soon. He never called.
I called again the following afternoon and we talked for just over a minute. I asked him to go on Facebook and accept my friend request. He wasn’t able to really talk much at work but he assured me he would get online and read my messages. He never did…again.
Finally on Friday, I called a third time and we talked for about 5 minutes. He said that he had, over the past few weeks, been pretty disconnected from everything and was working almost non-stop. He added me back on Facebook and told me that he did just read my message. He couldn’t talk details over the phone but agreed that he wanted to get together and talk about everything. He told me that he finally had time off and was going to use it spending the holiday weekend with his family at the coast. Dustin did assure me that he wasn’t mad at me and he hadn’t met someone else. At least I was able to relax, knowing it wasn’t anything I did.
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It’s now Monday (well, Tuesday by the time I finish writing this). The weekend is over and I haven’t heard from Dustin, but not surprising since he still doesn’t have his phone and our only method of communication is via Facebook. He did promise to talk things through once he got back, which I can only assume was sometime today. I still have no idea what happened, maybe I scared him away maybe I moved too quickly. Oddly enough, I would have to argue that he was the one moving too quickly.
I suppose the whole point of this blog was to get this all out of my head and down on paper. Secondly it was to give me an opportunity to really look back and reflect on our relationship as a whole. There were a lot of things that I miss. I think the most emotionally upsetting part is that, whatever it is, Dustin doesn’t feel as though he can talk to me about what is going on. I feel as though he owes me at least that much.
I’ve spent the past week glued to my friends. Most of them have given similar advice; you deserve better, he’s only 20 and naive, he doesn’t know what he’s missing, etc etc. Some of them have experienced heart break, others haven’t. For the life of me I’ll never understand why a little over 2 months with someone would bring along so much heart wrenching pain. I know it seems totally irrational, but for those of you who have been in this boat, you can probably understand.
This past weekend was spent on the lake with a good friend who gave me the best advice of all. It wasn’t that I should be angry or blow him off. It wasn’t anything negative towards Dustin. It was simply that you can’t help who you fall for and it makes you do crazy things. All I can do is work through it. Love is something that never goes away, you learn to accept the loss over time but you’ll always have a part of you for that person.
I started to think back to my first boyfriend. There will always be a part of me that loves Rob, but I’m over it now. Dustin taught me that I can have strong feelings for someone again; feelings I never thought possible after my first relationship ended almost 5 years ago. I have to admit, I’m still pretty heart broken that Dustin dropped out of existence and has yet to make an effort to talk to me about what’s going on. The only nice thing is that after writing this ridiculously long blog post I am starting to feel a lot better. Chock it up to the therapeutic power of writing I suppose. All I know is that the ball is in his court and hopefully he will come around and feel like he can tell me what’s going on. Despite the fact that all this has gone down I still love him and probably always will in some small way.
Once I finally get some closure, I’ll try and be better about following up and posting a blog to end this saga. For now all I can say is that I’m hopeful this year turns around. I hope to some day find something like what I had with Dustin again…if not then at least I’ve gotten to experience something very special twice now in my life…probably more than many others have ever experienced. I’m either lucky or cursed. I’m not really sure yet.
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I wish Dustin the best and I hope that we can be friends….depending on my mood this second I hope we can be more than friends still. It is hard to have that deep connection and see the amazing possibility that exists with him and not long to have it back. I feel so much pain for the fact that he has to hide who he truly is for fear of losing his family and friends. I want to be there for him because I have gone through exactly what he is experiencing and can vouch for the difficulty in all of it.
I’ve tried not to speculate too much in this blog. There was a lot of theories and ideas that myself and friends thought of as to why he might suddenly go on ignoring me. Some of them better than others, but I would like to wait and see what he has to say before I try and write them out here. When we last spoke on the phone I got the impression that there was some pretty serious things going on in his life lately and if you believe what he says he’s not mad at me. I don’t think anything is going to be a good enough excuse to justify this utter disrespect and lack of communications, but again, I’ll have to wait ad see.
This whole ordeal has made me, yet again, really appreciate the friends I have that are so wonderful to me. Yoga has been another necessity to help take my mind off things, luckily my knee is getting back to normal so I am able to practice again. Daniel, Bridget, Anna, Kristie, Shondi, Taylor, Nathan, Noah, Jack, Gloria, Austin, Wade, Joe, and Jeff were all instrumental in helping me through the past week. They helped me realize who my true friends are and I couldn’t be more thankful to have them all here for me.
Showing posts with label Life Events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Events. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Upcoming Speech at a Conference in Dallas at the LGBT Reception
So recently I was invited to attend a conference this weekend in Dallas for SACNAS (Society for Advancement of Chicanos and Native Americans in Science). I know I know...I don't fall into that category.
The reason I was invited though was to speak at the LGBT reception for the conference and represent NOGLSTP (National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals). I've been a member of NOGLSTP for a year or so now and have participated at one conference here in Austin at their diversity booth.
At first I was concerned about not fitting into the demographic for this one, but I was assured that was not at all the point and the LGBT reception was more about helping LGBT scientists discuss issues and experiences.
I was asked to share my experiences on how I came to work for Freescale, how I came out at work, how to choose a company and in general advice about coming out in the workplace.
Here is my speech. It's supposed to be about 15 minutes so take a look and let me know what you think.
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Hi everyone. I must admit that I had some trouble deciding what to talk about tonight. My experiences have not been that exciting or drama filled…definitely not worthy of an episode of Desperate Housewives [optional joke]. After thinking about it for a little while I decided that it didn’t necessarily matter that I haven’t had a dramatic or traumatic experience being gay, but the fact that it hasn’t been is worthy of sharing. I suppose in some small way my experience has given me comfort in knowing that; however slow, attitudes towards LGBT people are improving. It also gives me a great respect for those who have had to fight adversity and prejudice. Of course I’m not saying that my life has been without these issues, but I like to think of myself as optimistic and I tend to see through to the good parts which I’d like to share with you.
I’ve been very lucky that I work for such a progressive and integrating company. When I decided to work for Freescale I had just come out 3 months prior. I was 21 years old working towards a Bachelor’s degree in Chemical Engineering with big ambitions for graduate school and scientific research. It wasn’t until March of 2006 that I realized I had completely run out of money and no summer job flipping burgers would get me through my senior year. With little to no help from my parents I was forced to go out and look for a summer internship. I stumbled upon the job at Freescale by accident, and being it was my last option since I was so late in deciding to look for a job I took the opportunity. At the time I had no idea what environmental engineering was but figured as a worst case scenario I would suffer through 3-months and have enough money to finish my senior year and move on to graduate school.
I can’t say that Freescale’s open attitude towards LGBT employees is what convinced me to stay. My decision to forgo graduate school and stay in industry was based solely on how much I enjoy my job and the people I work with…and the paycheck [optional joke]. In fact, it wasn’t until well after I had completed my internship and accepted their full-time job offer that I discovered how forward thinking their policies really were.
Freescale, then part of parent company Motorola formed its first gay employee group in 1993 which through outreach and education the group was successful in amending the corporate diversity policy to include sexual orientation. As the 90’s progressed gay employees worked towards gaining equal rights within the company and in 2000 domestic partner health benefits began. In 2004 Freescale spun off from Motorola to form its own company and in doing so gay organizations within fought to keep domestic partner benefits and Motorola’s sexual orientation policies alive in the new company. Since then and consistently over the past several years Freescale has received a perfect 100 rating by the Human Rights Campaign. We are also vary involved in local LGBT events such as sponsoring Austin pride, supporting Equality Texas, NOGLSTP, as well as both local and national employee resource groups within the company.
For me coming out has been a very interesting experience. Not only did I come out at work but across the entire country in a big way all in the same day. Of course there were a few people at work I had told or that were intuitive enough to figure it out beforehand. I wasn’t hiding it by any stretch but I wasn’t going to go and risk my career until I knew for sure the news would be well received; besides, professional environments are hardly the place to stand up on the table in the middle of a meeting and say to everyone, “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it!” [optional joke]. When I began working full-time after graduating college I actively sought out the LGBT group within the company and joined. To this day I’m not entirely sure what spurred me on to do it. I personally didn’t feel like it was anyone’s business how I choose to live my personal life and I had a large circle of gay friends outside of work to occupy my time. I suppose I did it out of curiosity mostly. Over the course of a year I attended a few meetings and got to know a few of the group members, but never really made a valiant effort. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, but with cutbacks and the economy everyone has been expected to do more and my workload doesn’t leave me open to do much extra curricular activity.
I guess it was about a year ago that I was contacted by the head of Freescale’s Out & Equal group about getting more involved with the National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals or NOGLSTP…phew, what a mouthful [optional joke]…He told me about this “New Faces of Engineering” recognition that is awarded every year to up and coming engineers across many disciplines during Engineering Week. He mentioned that my age, year of graduation, and the work I’ve done in my field would make me a perfect candidate to be nominated for the recognition. The catch of course was that Freescale would nominate me to NOGLSTP. NOGLSTP then would chose from its list of candidates to nominate one person up to the Engineering Week Diversity Council. The Diversity Council would then choose from its list of candidates from all of the various diversity organizations across the company to recognize one person for Engineering Week. It was a little nerve wracking because come to find out the winner would be shown in a full-page add in USA Today during engineer’s week and be shown on the Engineering Week website, the Diversity Council website, as well as their nominating society’s website.
It was at this point I had to make a decision. The leader of Freescale’s Out and Equal group told me that he would respect my decision if I chose to decline the nomination; not wanting the potential to be outted on such a grand scale. This was a tough choice because up until then I had no plans to ever come out at work. I figured it was no one’s business and at the time I didn’t really care to be seen as “that gay engineer”. I thought about it for a few days and convinced myself why not, I probably wouldn’t make it through all of the rounds of nominations anyway. I worked with Freescale HR to develop my application and supporting materials and after sending it in completely forgot about it. About 2 months later I got an email from the head of the Engineering Week Diversity Council telling me I had been named as their nomination to New Faces of Engineering and would indeed be recognized in USA Today.
I think I just about had a heart attack reading that email. Not only did I never expect to make it that far but I hadn’t even bothered contemplating what it would mean if I did. I realized now that I had only a few months to figure out how to come out to my coworkers before USA Today beat me to the punch. I suppose I had forgotten how difficult it is to come out. By then it had been several years since I told my best friend I was gay and I wasn’t sure what to expect in a professional setting. I spent the next few months slowly hinting to some of my coworkers who I felt would be the easiest to tell. The whole time it was as though I was skating on thin ice, not sure how to spread the news without literally blurting it out and trying not to offend anyone in the process.
It’s amazing, how fast a few months passed looking back it seemed like eternity and despite all my efforts when the article came out I managed to catch quite a lot of people by surprise. At that point every day was full of suspense. After several weeks of various congratulations and reassurances I realized something I had not expected. Not a single person had anything negative to say. Yes there were some that seemed to be slower than others to warm up to me after that. Understandably the person they had come to know seemed very different in their eyes. Through all this there was one person I was most nervous about telling. She is someone I have come to respect greatly and her opinion has ultimately shaped my decisions to continue my career on its current path. After hearing me tell her about my experiences being gay and coming out she told me, “Don't forget that to most of us, you are Robert - and that is that!”
As I look back on all that has happened this year I’ve really had to think about how I would do things differently. It’s not that I’m unsatisfied with how it turned out but from where I sit it’s feasible to think that I won’t be with Freescale forever. Statistics have shown that a person will hold many jobs throughout their lifetime and as I move forward through mine there are a few things I’d like to do differently the next time around.
It’s true I’ve been very lucky ending up with a company so progressive on the LGBT front. Although I may not currently be taking advantage of the benefits fought for by my peers before me I will likely need them to fall back on someday. There is a delicate balance between work and life and from this point forward choosing a company that hinders as opposed to harbors who I am as a person will only leave me hating my job.
When choosing a company to work for there are a few things that I feel are important to have. First of all sexual orientation and gender identity should be called out in the company’s diversity and anti-discrimination policies. Until the legislature enacts an equal workplace protection law it will be important to look out for your job. It would be devastating to choose a company and work hard to excel your career only to be fired for being gay. As sad as it is to say this is still out there. The second thing I would look for are domestic partner health benefits. Even if you don’t need them right away, you can never predict what the future has in-store for you and having that benefit to lean on may become very important. Finally, but not necessarily as important is the availability of an employee resource group for LGBT employees and allies. Sometimes there may be a situation with a smaller company that there are no other LGBT employees. This is not a show stopper, as long as the other two are in place. There are organizations to join outside of the office that can fill the role, and I feel it is very important to get out there and meet other gay professionals and share experiences.
NOGLSTP is a professional organization that provides a great way for you to network with gay professionals and is an advocate for equal employment opportunities, role modeling, science education, and scientific freedom/responsibility. Through NOGLSTP students can join MentorNet as can professionals. It is a forum where professionals in various fields can help young people explore opportunities for LGBT students and cope with the rigors of being out in the scientific community.
The last thing I wanted to talk about today is more along the lines of coming out at work. Some of you may think this is a no brainer, especially at a company that might have robust discrimination policies and benefits; however coming out is a very personal undertaking. For everyone it is different and I would never presume that what is right for me is right for you. All I can say is moving forward it will be for me as it has always been, off the cuff. For me it is as if there is a balance between proving yourself as an employee before getting too personal at work. I think it goes for anything and not just coming out. I’ve strived to first prove to everyone that I am capable of doing my job to the best of my ability before throwing something out there that may cause people to see past my hard work. As sad as it is to say, years after the government finally gives us equal rights and protections there will still be prejudice. I would never want to be ignored and unappreciated because a coworker or manager disapproves of my lifestyle but at the same time I would not want it to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. I don’t want to be given unfair advantage because someone is afraid to be seen as homophobic.
That being said I will never go out of my way to stay closeted at work. Lying about yourself can only make things worse when you do eventually decide to come out. Sure there are ways to remain ambiguous and sometimes it is necessary but to out and out falsify your private life can be dangerous. I can’t say that I have never done it, but it’s something I’ve never been proud of. I’ve spent a lot of time, effort, and tears coming out up to this point and for me there is no turning back.
The reason I was invited though was to speak at the LGBT reception for the conference and represent NOGLSTP (National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals). I've been a member of NOGLSTP for a year or so now and have participated at one conference here in Austin at their diversity booth.
At first I was concerned about not fitting into the demographic for this one, but I was assured that was not at all the point and the LGBT reception was more about helping LGBT scientists discuss issues and experiences.
I was asked to share my experiences on how I came to work for Freescale, how I came out at work, how to choose a company and in general advice about coming out in the workplace.
Here is my speech. It's supposed to be about 15 minutes so take a look and let me know what you think.
-----------------
Hi everyone. I must admit that I had some trouble deciding what to talk about tonight. My experiences have not been that exciting or drama filled…definitely not worthy of an episode of Desperate Housewives [optional joke]. After thinking about it for a little while I decided that it didn’t necessarily matter that I haven’t had a dramatic or traumatic experience being gay, but the fact that it hasn’t been is worthy of sharing. I suppose in some small way my experience has given me comfort in knowing that; however slow, attitudes towards LGBT people are improving. It also gives me a great respect for those who have had to fight adversity and prejudice. Of course I’m not saying that my life has been without these issues, but I like to think of myself as optimistic and I tend to see through to the good parts which I’d like to share with you.
I’ve been very lucky that I work for such a progressive and integrating company. When I decided to work for Freescale I had just come out 3 months prior. I was 21 years old working towards a Bachelor’s degree in Chemical Engineering with big ambitions for graduate school and scientific research. It wasn’t until March of 2006 that I realized I had completely run out of money and no summer job flipping burgers would get me through my senior year. With little to no help from my parents I was forced to go out and look for a summer internship. I stumbled upon the job at Freescale by accident, and being it was my last option since I was so late in deciding to look for a job I took the opportunity. At the time I had no idea what environmental engineering was but figured as a worst case scenario I would suffer through 3-months and have enough money to finish my senior year and move on to graduate school.
I can’t say that Freescale’s open attitude towards LGBT employees is what convinced me to stay. My decision to forgo graduate school and stay in industry was based solely on how much I enjoy my job and the people I work with…and the paycheck [optional joke]. In fact, it wasn’t until well after I had completed my internship and accepted their full-time job offer that I discovered how forward thinking their policies really were.
Freescale, then part of parent company Motorola formed its first gay employee group in 1993 which through outreach and education the group was successful in amending the corporate diversity policy to include sexual orientation. As the 90’s progressed gay employees worked towards gaining equal rights within the company and in 2000 domestic partner health benefits began. In 2004 Freescale spun off from Motorola to form its own company and in doing so gay organizations within fought to keep domestic partner benefits and Motorola’s sexual orientation policies alive in the new company. Since then and consistently over the past several years Freescale has received a perfect 100 rating by the Human Rights Campaign. We are also vary involved in local LGBT events such as sponsoring Austin pride, supporting Equality Texas, NOGLSTP, as well as both local and national employee resource groups within the company.
For me coming out has been a very interesting experience. Not only did I come out at work but across the entire country in a big way all in the same day. Of course there were a few people at work I had told or that were intuitive enough to figure it out beforehand. I wasn’t hiding it by any stretch but I wasn’t going to go and risk my career until I knew for sure the news would be well received; besides, professional environments are hardly the place to stand up on the table in the middle of a meeting and say to everyone, “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it!” [optional joke]. When I began working full-time after graduating college I actively sought out the LGBT group within the company and joined. To this day I’m not entirely sure what spurred me on to do it. I personally didn’t feel like it was anyone’s business how I choose to live my personal life and I had a large circle of gay friends outside of work to occupy my time. I suppose I did it out of curiosity mostly. Over the course of a year I attended a few meetings and got to know a few of the group members, but never really made a valiant effort. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, but with cutbacks and the economy everyone has been expected to do more and my workload doesn’t leave me open to do much extra curricular activity.
I guess it was about a year ago that I was contacted by the head of Freescale’s Out & Equal group about getting more involved with the National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals or NOGLSTP…phew, what a mouthful [optional joke]…He told me about this “New Faces of Engineering” recognition that is awarded every year to up and coming engineers across many disciplines during Engineering Week. He mentioned that my age, year of graduation, and the work I’ve done in my field would make me a perfect candidate to be nominated for the recognition. The catch of course was that Freescale would nominate me to NOGLSTP. NOGLSTP then would chose from its list of candidates to nominate one person up to the Engineering Week Diversity Council. The Diversity Council would then choose from its list of candidates from all of the various diversity organizations across the company to recognize one person for Engineering Week. It was a little nerve wracking because come to find out the winner would be shown in a full-page add in USA Today during engineer’s week and be shown on the Engineering Week website, the Diversity Council website, as well as their nominating society’s website.
It was at this point I had to make a decision. The leader of Freescale’s Out and Equal group told me that he would respect my decision if I chose to decline the nomination; not wanting the potential to be outted on such a grand scale. This was a tough choice because up until then I had no plans to ever come out at work. I figured it was no one’s business and at the time I didn’t really care to be seen as “that gay engineer”. I thought about it for a few days and convinced myself why not, I probably wouldn’t make it through all of the rounds of nominations anyway. I worked with Freescale HR to develop my application and supporting materials and after sending it in completely forgot about it. About 2 months later I got an email from the head of the Engineering Week Diversity Council telling me I had been named as their nomination to New Faces of Engineering and would indeed be recognized in USA Today.
I think I just about had a heart attack reading that email. Not only did I never expect to make it that far but I hadn’t even bothered contemplating what it would mean if I did. I realized now that I had only a few months to figure out how to come out to my coworkers before USA Today beat me to the punch. I suppose I had forgotten how difficult it is to come out. By then it had been several years since I told my best friend I was gay and I wasn’t sure what to expect in a professional setting. I spent the next few months slowly hinting to some of my coworkers who I felt would be the easiest to tell. The whole time it was as though I was skating on thin ice, not sure how to spread the news without literally blurting it out and trying not to offend anyone in the process.
It’s amazing, how fast a few months passed looking back it seemed like eternity and despite all my efforts when the article came out I managed to catch quite a lot of people by surprise. At that point every day was full of suspense. After several weeks of various congratulations and reassurances I realized something I had not expected. Not a single person had anything negative to say. Yes there were some that seemed to be slower than others to warm up to me after that. Understandably the person they had come to know seemed very different in their eyes. Through all this there was one person I was most nervous about telling. She is someone I have come to respect greatly and her opinion has ultimately shaped my decisions to continue my career on its current path. After hearing me tell her about my experiences being gay and coming out she told me, “Don't forget that to most of us, you are Robert - and that is that!”
As I look back on all that has happened this year I’ve really had to think about how I would do things differently. It’s not that I’m unsatisfied with how it turned out but from where I sit it’s feasible to think that I won’t be with Freescale forever. Statistics have shown that a person will hold many jobs throughout their lifetime and as I move forward through mine there are a few things I’d like to do differently the next time around.
It’s true I’ve been very lucky ending up with a company so progressive on the LGBT front. Although I may not currently be taking advantage of the benefits fought for by my peers before me I will likely need them to fall back on someday. There is a delicate balance between work and life and from this point forward choosing a company that hinders as opposed to harbors who I am as a person will only leave me hating my job.
When choosing a company to work for there are a few things that I feel are important to have. First of all sexual orientation and gender identity should be called out in the company’s diversity and anti-discrimination policies. Until the legislature enacts an equal workplace protection law it will be important to look out for your job. It would be devastating to choose a company and work hard to excel your career only to be fired for being gay. As sad as it is to say this is still out there. The second thing I would look for are domestic partner health benefits. Even if you don’t need them right away, you can never predict what the future has in-store for you and having that benefit to lean on may become very important. Finally, but not necessarily as important is the availability of an employee resource group for LGBT employees and allies. Sometimes there may be a situation with a smaller company that there are no other LGBT employees. This is not a show stopper, as long as the other two are in place. There are organizations to join outside of the office that can fill the role, and I feel it is very important to get out there and meet other gay professionals and share experiences.
NOGLSTP is a professional organization that provides a great way for you to network with gay professionals and is an advocate for equal employment opportunities, role modeling, science education, and scientific freedom/responsibility. Through NOGLSTP students can join MentorNet as can professionals. It is a forum where professionals in various fields can help young people explore opportunities for LGBT students and cope with the rigors of being out in the scientific community.
The last thing I wanted to talk about today is more along the lines of coming out at work. Some of you may think this is a no brainer, especially at a company that might have robust discrimination policies and benefits; however coming out is a very personal undertaking. For everyone it is different and I would never presume that what is right for me is right for you. All I can say is moving forward it will be for me as it has always been, off the cuff. For me it is as if there is a balance between proving yourself as an employee before getting too personal at work. I think it goes for anything and not just coming out. I’ve strived to first prove to everyone that I am capable of doing my job to the best of my ability before throwing something out there that may cause people to see past my hard work. As sad as it is to say, years after the government finally gives us equal rights and protections there will still be prejudice. I would never want to be ignored and unappreciated because a coworker or manager disapproves of my lifestyle but at the same time I would not want it to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. I don’t want to be given unfair advantage because someone is afraid to be seen as homophobic.
That being said I will never go out of my way to stay closeted at work. Lying about yourself can only make things worse when you do eventually decide to come out. Sure there are ways to remain ambiguous and sometimes it is necessary but to out and out falsify your private life can be dangerous. I can’t say that I have never done it, but it’s something I’ve never been proud of. I’ve spent a lot of time, effort, and tears coming out up to this point and for me there is no turning back.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
One step at a time.
As 2008 comes to a close it's time too take a look back at everything, and hopefully reflect on some things for the new year.
Work:
Work has kept me both sane, and insane this year. I must admit I never would have expected achieving as much as I have and moving forward I'm excited about what the new year will bring. In March my department suffered a round of layoffs which forced me to move from an Austin-wide role to a more site specific role at Oak Hill managing the water and air programs. I've attempted to retain some of my previous responsibilities, but that is proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated. I'm glad for the change as I'm finally doing what I was hired for and what I went to school for. More notably this year I have personally contributed over $270,000 in cost savings to my organization within the company with nearly $500,000 in indirect contributions. Overall since I started working for the company I have broken past the $600,000 mark in annual savings that is realized as a direct result of my efforts. My department has won several awards this year that I submitted for including the Keep Texas Beautiful Business Award, the Austin Business Journal Going Green Award, and various Austin Water Conservation awards. Another exciting achievement; since I took over environmental compliance we have had zero notices of violation!
Earlier this month I was notified that I would be nominated by Freescale for the New Faces in Engineering recognition put on by the Engineer's Week Foundation. Low and behold, after reaching several milestones in the process I will be among about 8 other "New Faces" of 2009! I am representing both Freescale and the National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals (NOGLSTP); So keep a look out for the USA Today Article in February!
Speaking of gay, I'm slowly but surely coming out at work. It's not something I want to just exude as to not hinder my future career, but several people in the office have asked about it and most of the group that I work with (if not all) at Oak Hill know. It's almost refreshing, but at the same time nerve wracking. Hopefully it will at the least help to make everyone more comfortable knowing that someone they are close to is gay.
Family
This year has been a trying one for me. There is the usual drama on my dad's side of course while on my mom's side I have lost a cousin to alcohol poisoning and an uncle to heart disease (he leaves behind his wife and three kids). Otherwise for the most part things outside of the immediate family have been standard operating procedures.
Sometime in March or April my father was diagnosed with a rare form of skin cancer/blood disease; so rare in fact that when he goes to the doctor there are usually a team of them observing in the background. He has been undergoing some light-therapy treatment (essentially a VERY strong tanning bed, as in more than 60 seconds and you're burnt). They know it won't cure him but they are hoping to at least keep it from worsening. He very well could live a good many years; however, it has spread through much of his body so there is really no telling. At this point I'm not really sure what to think. My father and I have never been very close; I hate to see him go but I'm not going to worry about it until the time comes.
In August my parents decided to take in a foreign exchange student from Slovakia. Anna, lives with them now and will continue to live here until June when she moves back home. She is a senior in High School and is looking forward to graduation in the spring. I must admit, she is a very humble and interesting person to talk to. I'm looking forward to spending more time with her this coming year.
All-in-all my immediate family is doing well. Mom and Dad are still happy together and working the same jobs. My sister now works at my old stomping grounds, Austin's Pizza. She is a 3rd-year with Senior Credits at UT majoring in Math and Kinesiology, and make very good grades I might add. Tomorrow morning we are all leaving on a trek through the mid-west to end at Kansas City to visit my dad's family for my grandmother's birthday on January 1st. I'm already looking forward to being back home though.
Relationships
In all honesty this year seems to have been a relatively uneventful one. I dated one guy for about 6 weeks and he ended it because he wasn't feeling it anymore. Looking back I can't say that I blame him, but it did hurt at the time. My promiscuous phase came to an end early this year and stayed that way throughout. I think given my intense working schedule and focus combined with being out of college my game has suffered a bit, but I'm not letting it get me down. I'm planning to approach 2009 with a more laid back approach to meeting that one guy, I figure he'll turn up when it's time and not a moment too soon.
Friendships
This has been an interesting year for friends. For the most part I have kept touch with all of those that are the most important to me. Nathan has of course been an unwavering pillar for me through it all and having him here is one of the biggest reasons I haven't gone completely off the deep end yet. Jack has remained a very close and loyal friend this year despite a few challenges early on, but we are better for it. Many close friends have come and gone; James R, James C, Austin, and some others; while I have also gained many new ones; Kris, Alex, & Tyler.
Overall I must admit my relationship with Austin has suffered greatly this year. Perhaps it's living together that has caused it, but it didn't seem to start until after May when he finished college. He now has a new boyfriend Dustin who has and still is shaping and moulding him into the perfect guy...the only problem is it's not the same Austin. We have really drifted apart these past few months but mostly because I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I think it's important to realize that throughout life friends will drift in and out, but that doesn't mean they don't leave their mark. I will always love Austin and he has been a very wonderful friend.
Time to forge ahead
With 2008 coming to a close I welcome 2009 with open arms. I'm looking forward to a new president, and a hopefully better economy. Perhaps the most important thing I've learned this year is how quickly everything can change, and how impossible it is to be prepared for all of the outcomes. I hope to enter 2009 with a more realistic and laid back approach to life. I want to branch out more, volunteer for HRC, fight for gay rights, make new friends, and cherish friends I already have.
Given everything new and exciting about next year I don't think anyone will be able to predict where it goes. 525,600 minutes is a long time with so many possibilities. This year one song in particular has stood out to me, "One Step at a Time" by Jordan Sparks sums up how I want to approach life from now on. In general I know where I'd like to be but the path is unknown. It is important to take each step one at a time, and that's how I plan to move through the next 12 months; savoring all 525,600 minutes of it. Where I'll end up is anyone's guess, but I plan to make getting there ALL the fun.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love Always,
Rob
Work:
Work has kept me both sane, and insane this year. I must admit I never would have expected achieving as much as I have and moving forward I'm excited about what the new year will bring. In March my department suffered a round of layoffs which forced me to move from an Austin-wide role to a more site specific role at Oak Hill managing the water and air programs. I've attempted to retain some of my previous responsibilities, but that is proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated. I'm glad for the change as I'm finally doing what I was hired for and what I went to school for. More notably this year I have personally contributed over $270,000 in cost savings to my organization within the company with nearly $500,000 in indirect contributions. Overall since I started working for the company I have broken past the $600,000 mark in annual savings that is realized as a direct result of my efforts. My department has won several awards this year that I submitted for including the Keep Texas Beautiful Business Award, the Austin Business Journal Going Green Award, and various Austin Water Conservation awards. Another exciting achievement; since I took over environmental compliance we have had zero notices of violation!
Earlier this month I was notified that I would be nominated by Freescale for the New Faces in Engineering recognition put on by the Engineer's Week Foundation. Low and behold, after reaching several milestones in the process I will be among about 8 other "New Faces" of 2009! I am representing both Freescale and the National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals (NOGLSTP); So keep a look out for the USA Today Article in February!
Speaking of gay, I'm slowly but surely coming out at work. It's not something I want to just exude as to not hinder my future career, but several people in the office have asked about it and most of the group that I work with (if not all) at Oak Hill know. It's almost refreshing, but at the same time nerve wracking. Hopefully it will at the least help to make everyone more comfortable knowing that someone they are close to is gay.
Family
This year has been a trying one for me. There is the usual drama on my dad's side of course while on my mom's side I have lost a cousin to alcohol poisoning and an uncle to heart disease (he leaves behind his wife and three kids). Otherwise for the most part things outside of the immediate family have been standard operating procedures.
Sometime in March or April my father was diagnosed with a rare form of skin cancer/blood disease; so rare in fact that when he goes to the doctor there are usually a team of them observing in the background. He has been undergoing some light-therapy treatment (essentially a VERY strong tanning bed, as in more than 60 seconds and you're burnt). They know it won't cure him but they are hoping to at least keep it from worsening. He very well could live a good many years; however, it has spread through much of his body so there is really no telling. At this point I'm not really sure what to think. My father and I have never been very close; I hate to see him go but I'm not going to worry about it until the time comes.
In August my parents decided to take in a foreign exchange student from Slovakia. Anna, lives with them now and will continue to live here until June when she moves back home. She is a senior in High School and is looking forward to graduation in the spring. I must admit, she is a very humble and interesting person to talk to. I'm looking forward to spending more time with her this coming year.
All-in-all my immediate family is doing well. Mom and Dad are still happy together and working the same jobs. My sister now works at my old stomping grounds, Austin's Pizza. She is a 3rd-year with Senior Credits at UT majoring in Math and Kinesiology, and make very good grades I might add. Tomorrow morning we are all leaving on a trek through the mid-west to end at Kansas City to visit my dad's family for my grandmother's birthday on January 1st. I'm already looking forward to being back home though.
Relationships
In all honesty this year seems to have been a relatively uneventful one. I dated one guy for about 6 weeks and he ended it because he wasn't feeling it anymore. Looking back I can't say that I blame him, but it did hurt at the time. My promiscuous phase came to an end early this year and stayed that way throughout. I think given my intense working schedule and focus combined with being out of college my game has suffered a bit, but I'm not letting it get me down. I'm planning to approach 2009 with a more laid back approach to meeting that one guy, I figure he'll turn up when it's time and not a moment too soon.
Friendships
This has been an interesting year for friends. For the most part I have kept touch with all of those that are the most important to me. Nathan has of course been an unwavering pillar for me through it all and having him here is one of the biggest reasons I haven't gone completely off the deep end yet. Jack has remained a very close and loyal friend this year despite a few challenges early on, but we are better for it. Many close friends have come and gone; James R, James C, Austin, and some others; while I have also gained many new ones; Kris, Alex, & Tyler.
Overall I must admit my relationship with Austin has suffered greatly this year. Perhaps it's living together that has caused it, but it didn't seem to start until after May when he finished college. He now has a new boyfriend Dustin who has and still is shaping and moulding him into the perfect guy...the only problem is it's not the same Austin. We have really drifted apart these past few months but mostly because I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I think it's important to realize that throughout life friends will drift in and out, but that doesn't mean they don't leave their mark. I will always love Austin and he has been a very wonderful friend.
Time to forge ahead
With 2008 coming to a close I welcome 2009 with open arms. I'm looking forward to a new president, and a hopefully better economy. Perhaps the most important thing I've learned this year is how quickly everything can change, and how impossible it is to be prepared for all of the outcomes. I hope to enter 2009 with a more realistic and laid back approach to life. I want to branch out more, volunteer for HRC, fight for gay rights, make new friends, and cherish friends I already have.
Given everything new and exciting about next year I don't think anyone will be able to predict where it goes. 525,600 minutes is a long time with so many possibilities. This year one song in particular has stood out to me, "One Step at a Time" by Jordan Sparks sums up how I want to approach life from now on. In general I know where I'd like to be but the path is unknown. It is important to take each step one at a time, and that's how I plan to move through the next 12 months; savoring all 525,600 minutes of it. Where I'll end up is anyone's guess, but I plan to make getting there ALL the fun.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love Always,
Rob
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
How to Deal Part II
So for those of you close to me you know it has been a topsy turvy weekend. It was busy and I didn't get to spend much time with Eric. Likely because he simply keeps too much on his plate. Sunday night was the first I had seen him in a few days and things were not well. He was upset and basically told me that he had too much going on in his life and wasn't ready for a relationship. I can't say I wasn't surprised, albeit very disappointed. You know I couldn't help but argue with him that I thought he was making a mistake, and that by ending our relationship he was taking the easy way out, and it wasn't going to make a bit of difference. He works two jobs (~60 hours/week) and is going to school part-time. Between those things I can sympathize the fact that he is quite busy; however I couldn't help but explain to him how to deal in ways other than getting rid of me. It seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Sadly there is nothing I can do to keep him from making in what is my mind to be a very big mistake. I can only hope it works out for the best. Interestingly enough though I took my own advice. In my earlier post about this topic I mentioned my friends and how wonderful they have been to me. And yes, things were tough, but right on cue they were there. Nathan dropped everything to spend time with me after it all happened; rivers of tears running down my face and all. After spending some time with Nathan and watching TV I went home, but I couldn't sleep. I spent most of the day monday sick to my stomach because I just couldn't stop thinking about it all. Lucky for me two other friends stepped up to the plate. Jack called and said he was brining over a bottle of champagne, and Austin called and said he was in-route with Sushi from my fav place (Finn and Porter), and cookies from Tiff's Treats.
Well, half a bottle of champagne, a martini, and two huge margaritas from Rain later and the night just seemed to disappear. I'm not advocating you drink away problems, but it wasn't that so much as good company and a hell of a good time. Thanks Jack and Austin!
Long story short it only reaffirms the fact that when life give you lemons...have your friends help you jump on them to make lemonade...or something like that...When it comes down to it you have to grab on to those you love and hang on for the ride. I only wish Eric would realize this; someday I'm sure he will...I hope for his sake.
I'm still a little upset just thinking about it and seeing his name on facebook makes me a little sick to my stomach right now but in time I will move on. I will always miss what we had but we both left with the agreement that we would remain friends. At least this time cheating, lying, and backstabbing wasn't involved so the friendship is actually possible. I do have to give him some credit, he had to gall to tell me before letting it get worse and worse only to hurt more and more had he waited. And it was a very mature way to handle everything on both parts.
If there is one thing you take away from all of this it's to know that giving up your friends and your support to make time because you're stressed is no way to remedy the situation. And when things aren't going your way, grab onto everyone you have, because in the end that's all that matters.
Thanks Nathan, Jack, Austin, and everyone that his given me support over the last few days. You are all irreplaceable and I love you.
Sadly there is nothing I can do to keep him from making in what is my mind to be a very big mistake. I can only hope it works out for the best. Interestingly enough though I took my own advice. In my earlier post about this topic I mentioned my friends and how wonderful they have been to me. And yes, things were tough, but right on cue they were there. Nathan dropped everything to spend time with me after it all happened; rivers of tears running down my face and all. After spending some time with Nathan and watching TV I went home, but I couldn't sleep. I spent most of the day monday sick to my stomach because I just couldn't stop thinking about it all. Lucky for me two other friends stepped up to the plate. Jack called and said he was brining over a bottle of champagne, and Austin called and said he was in-route with Sushi from my fav place (Finn and Porter), and cookies from Tiff's Treats.
Well, half a bottle of champagne, a martini, and two huge margaritas from Rain later and the night just seemed to disappear. I'm not advocating you drink away problems, but it wasn't that so much as good company and a hell of a good time. Thanks Jack and Austin!
Long story short it only reaffirms the fact that when life give you lemons...have your friends help you jump on them to make lemonade...or something like that...When it comes down to it you have to grab on to those you love and hang on for the ride. I only wish Eric would realize this; someday I'm sure he will...I hope for his sake.
I'm still a little upset just thinking about it and seeing his name on facebook makes me a little sick to my stomach right now but in time I will move on. I will always miss what we had but we both left with the agreement that we would remain friends. At least this time cheating, lying, and backstabbing wasn't involved so the friendship is actually possible. I do have to give him some credit, he had to gall to tell me before letting it get worse and worse only to hurt more and more had he waited. And it was a very mature way to handle everything on both parts.
If there is one thing you take away from all of this it's to know that giving up your friends and your support to make time because you're stressed is no way to remedy the situation. And when things aren't going your way, grab onto everyone you have, because in the end that's all that matters.
Thanks Nathan, Jack, Austin, and everyone that his given me support over the last few days. You are all irreplaceable and I love you.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
New Developments
So I'm sure most of you have heard the news but I figure I would at least right it down. As much for myself as anything else.
Last Thursday night I had plans to hang out with Eric. I had been at a conference all day in Round Rock, and rather than having to drive all the way back up there for the friday portion of the conference, I asked if I could stay with Eric instead so the drive would be shorter. He agreed and after he was off from work I met him at his house. We invited a few friends over and had a few drinks and just sat around and hung out. Late that night when we were going to bed, I leaned over and asked him, "Hey Eric, what would you say if I asked you to be my boyfriend?" He responded with, "Of course!" I must say it wasn't very romantic or anything but that's ok, it was the perfect end to a really fun night. So at long last, after 1 year and 9 months of being single I am officially taken, and I couldn't be happier.
That morning I went back to the conference and met up with some friends for dinner, then visited Eric at the Domain prior to driving home in an effort to avoid traffic. This weekend has been fun, but tough as Eric has been working and studying for an exam he has Tuesday so I haven't seen much of him. Luckily tonight I am meeting him for coffee and I am going to work while he studies, but at least we will get to see each other.
Interestingly enough I am Eric's first boyfriend so I think he is equally excited about everything, and as I said I couldn't be happier and I'm anxious to see how things pan out.
Last Thursday night I had plans to hang out with Eric. I had been at a conference all day in Round Rock, and rather than having to drive all the way back up there for the friday portion of the conference, I asked if I could stay with Eric instead so the drive would be shorter. He agreed and after he was off from work I met him at his house. We invited a few friends over and had a few drinks and just sat around and hung out. Late that night when we were going to bed, I leaned over and asked him, "Hey Eric, what would you say if I asked you to be my boyfriend?" He responded with, "Of course!" I must say it wasn't very romantic or anything but that's ok, it was the perfect end to a really fun night. So at long last, after 1 year and 9 months of being single I am officially taken, and I couldn't be happier.
That morning I went back to the conference and met up with some friends for dinner, then visited Eric at the Domain prior to driving home in an effort to avoid traffic. This weekend has been fun, but tough as Eric has been working and studying for an exam he has Tuesday so I haven't seen much of him. Luckily tonight I am meeting him for coffee and I am going to work while he studies, but at least we will get to see each other.
Interestingly enough I am Eric's first boyfriend so I think he is equally excited about everything, and as I said I couldn't be happier and I'm anxious to see how things pan out.
Monday, September 01, 2008
There's something in the water
I don't know what happened, nor do I know why. It seems as though suddenly everything has been turned upside-down this weekend, and I definitely do NOT mean that in a bad way.
Earlier this week I got a friend request on Facebook from someone that I had seen a few times out and about. I must admit I already knew his name through a mutual friend and thought he was just the cutest thing since puppies were invented. My first thought was...wow, what have I done to suddenly warrant getting attention from this guy? Come to find out we had apparently met. Let me start by saying I don't actually remember this, but apparently a few weeks back at the club I was incredibly drunk and went up to him and his group of friends, put my arm around them and said, "HEY WHAT HAVE Y'ALL BEEN UP....oh wait, I don't know you...hi I'm Rob."
Anyway a few short conversations were had over this past week and thursday night I saw him and his friends out at the club. Introducing myself for real we talked a bit but I am like a ping pong ball at the club, there's always so many people there that I know I bounce around and am never in one group for very long. At one point during the evening I jokingly, when offered a drag of his cigarette, suggested a shot gun. We laughed about it but nothing came of it. We exchanged numbers that evening and I went home to get some sleep before work.
The next day at work was fun. Laura had her birthday lunch at Hula Hut and I took off early to get a haircut at my fav salon with my fav stylist. I now remember why I pay her $45 a cut! she's AMAZING!!!!! Overall it had been a great two days. I had one of those rare nights out where the club was enjoyable and things seemed to be shaping up.
That evening after my haircut I met up with Nathan and had lunch with a great group of friends. One of which I will miss terribly when he moves to Seattle. I wish him the best of luck in his new adventure! After dinner we made the trek back down south and spent some time at Alex's place listening to music and just hanging out. It was around 10:30 when Eric called wanting to go get coffee, I must admit it wasn't a difficult decision...and it turned out to be the best date I've been on, albeit completely impromptu. After the date he sent a text saying, "I still owe you that shotgun." I laughed and complained that I had missed a great opportunity and he assured me that saturday would be another chance.
I spent saturday out on the lake for Splash with Jack and some friends. It was a lot of fun but the akward flirty attitude my ex boy friend showed toward me had me confused and a little put off. Needless to say it was still fun despite that and the day wasn't over yet. After the lake I went home and napped, called Eric, and asked him to Carter's party with me. We arrived and it was nothing short of an amazing time. At first I was reluctant to go but Carter really out-did himself and threw one hell of a shindig this time around. It was about half-way through the evening when suddenly I found myself in a small group talking to people and next thing I know, Eric and I are looking at each other and then we kissed. After a while I began to feel as though an audience had formed and amidst the laughing the pointing We stopped and looked at each other and laughed as well.
After the party I walked him to his car and we talked a bit more. He said he couldn't make the lake on sunday and had to go home to San Antonio after work for their family BBQ. We decided another date was in order and that monday when he gets back to town we are going out for dinner and a movie. I'm so very excited.
I simply don't know how this weekend could get any better. There was a brief sad moment when I found out that my roommate and his boy friend are splitting up. I was so upset that I almost cried because I really truly love both of them. After finding out they would remain friends I smiled and told Austin I was relieved. He seemed at least content with the situation, but I'm sure it must hurt. I'm just glad they are going to stay friends (or at least try) and I will still get to hang out with James, because frankly I think he's just awesome.
I don't want to get too much into this because I don't want to jinx anything but tonight my bestest friend Nathan seemed to have a really great night and I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.
All I can say is I'm looking forward to tomorrow right now. My ENTIRE mother's side of the family is in-town because of Hurricane Gustav so I am going home to visit and give my mom and dad their birthday presents. It's funny I had five birthdays in four days to celebrate between my parents and coworkers...lol. Before that I hope to go have breakfast with Nathan and some other friends at Alex's house, and then it's date time and I'm really hoping this one goes as well as the other's have...although frankly at this point, my weekend couldn't possibly be any better.
Goodnight everyone.
Earlier this week I got a friend request on Facebook from someone that I had seen a few times out and about. I must admit I already knew his name through a mutual friend and thought he was just the cutest thing since puppies were invented. My first thought was...wow, what have I done to suddenly warrant getting attention from this guy? Come to find out we had apparently met. Let me start by saying I don't actually remember this, but apparently a few weeks back at the club I was incredibly drunk and went up to him and his group of friends, put my arm around them and said, "HEY WHAT HAVE Y'ALL BEEN UP....oh wait, I don't know you...hi I'm Rob."
Anyway a few short conversations were had over this past week and thursday night I saw him and his friends out at the club. Introducing myself for real we talked a bit but I am like a ping pong ball at the club, there's always so many people there that I know I bounce around and am never in one group for very long. At one point during the evening I jokingly, when offered a drag of his cigarette, suggested a shot gun. We laughed about it but nothing came of it. We exchanged numbers that evening and I went home to get some sleep before work.
The next day at work was fun. Laura had her birthday lunch at Hula Hut and I took off early to get a haircut at my fav salon with my fav stylist. I now remember why I pay her $45 a cut! she's AMAZING!!!!! Overall it had been a great two days. I had one of those rare nights out where the club was enjoyable and things seemed to be shaping up.
That evening after my haircut I met up with Nathan and had lunch with a great group of friends. One of which I will miss terribly when he moves to Seattle. I wish him the best of luck in his new adventure! After dinner we made the trek back down south and spent some time at Alex's place listening to music and just hanging out. It was around 10:30 when Eric called wanting to go get coffee, I must admit it wasn't a difficult decision...and it turned out to be the best date I've been on, albeit completely impromptu. After the date he sent a text saying, "I still owe you that shotgun." I laughed and complained that I had missed a great opportunity and he assured me that saturday would be another chance.
I spent saturday out on the lake for Splash with Jack and some friends. It was a lot of fun but the akward flirty attitude my ex boy friend showed toward me had me confused and a little put off. Needless to say it was still fun despite that and the day wasn't over yet. After the lake I went home and napped, called Eric, and asked him to Carter's party with me. We arrived and it was nothing short of an amazing time. At first I was reluctant to go but Carter really out-did himself and threw one hell of a shindig this time around. It was about half-way through the evening when suddenly I found myself in a small group talking to people and next thing I know, Eric and I are looking at each other and then we kissed. After a while I began to feel as though an audience had formed and amidst the laughing the pointing We stopped and looked at each other and laughed as well.
After the party I walked him to his car and we talked a bit more. He said he couldn't make the lake on sunday and had to go home to San Antonio after work for their family BBQ. We decided another date was in order and that monday when he gets back to town we are going out for dinner and a movie. I'm so very excited.
I simply don't know how this weekend could get any better. There was a brief sad moment when I found out that my roommate and his boy friend are splitting up. I was so upset that I almost cried because I really truly love both of them. After finding out they would remain friends I smiled and told Austin I was relieved. He seemed at least content with the situation, but I'm sure it must hurt. I'm just glad they are going to stay friends (or at least try) and I will still get to hang out with James, because frankly I think he's just awesome.
I don't want to get too much into this because I don't want to jinx anything but tonight my bestest friend Nathan seemed to have a really great night and I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.
All I can say is I'm looking forward to tomorrow right now. My ENTIRE mother's side of the family is in-town because of Hurricane Gustav so I am going home to visit and give my mom and dad their birthday presents. It's funny I had five birthdays in four days to celebrate between my parents and coworkers...lol. Before that I hope to go have breakfast with Nathan and some other friends at Alex's house, and then it's date time and I'm really hoping this one goes as well as the other's have...although frankly at this point, my weekend couldn't possibly be any better.
Goodnight everyone.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The big move
Well everyone...the move is mostly complete!!!
So if you didn't know already Austin and I decided that downtown was too expensive and we wanted more for our dollar. We have spent this entire week moving to a house out in South Austin near Westgate and William Cannon. We have more square footage, an extra bedroom, a HUGE backyard, wood floors downstairs, our own garage, and amazing neighbors. It is also much closer to work for me and I must say I'm really satisfied with the house we decided on. We are planning a move in party sometime in August so keep your eyes open for an invite :)
Basically I got back from Atlanta late on the 15th and starting the 16th we began the big move. We still have quite a bit of cleaning to do at the old place before we turn in the keys but we have since turned off all the power and trying to save on utilities. Luckily where we are we will be saving roughly $400 a month on rent which should pay all our bills and I can start saving to buy my own place in a few years. Of course, I had to promise Austin's parents no more moving until I'm buying something.
You realize when you move how much crap you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I for one, love it because it gives me the opportunity to go through and get rid of a lot of the pointless crap that I don't need. Through goodwill and a trash can I was able to dump so much stuff, it's like getting rid of old baggage...you'll never use it, it looks bad, and you feel so much lighter afterwards.
So anyway I'm really excited if you can't tell and once everything is unpacked and we are settled feel free to stop by and see the place! and of course with that being said, I have a 7:30 breakfast ceremony thingy at City Hall. Freescale is winning several environmental awards from the City of Austin and I am going to the ceremony. I will likely be sitting with the mayor as well as as several other prominent city officials! I'm pretty excited and of course, I plan to dress to impress. So I had better get to bed since it's getting late.
Good night
<3
So if you didn't know already Austin and I decided that downtown was too expensive and we wanted more for our dollar. We have spent this entire week moving to a house out in South Austin near Westgate and William Cannon. We have more square footage, an extra bedroom, a HUGE backyard, wood floors downstairs, our own garage, and amazing neighbors. It is also much closer to work for me and I must say I'm really satisfied with the house we decided on. We are planning a move in party sometime in August so keep your eyes open for an invite :)
Basically I got back from Atlanta late on the 15th and starting the 16th we began the big move. We still have quite a bit of cleaning to do at the old place before we turn in the keys but we have since turned off all the power and trying to save on utilities. Luckily where we are we will be saving roughly $400 a month on rent which should pay all our bills and I can start saving to buy my own place in a few years. Of course, I had to promise Austin's parents no more moving until I'm buying something.
You realize when you move how much crap you can accumulate in such a short amount of time. I for one, love it because it gives me the opportunity to go through and get rid of a lot of the pointless crap that I don't need. Through goodwill and a trash can I was able to dump so much stuff, it's like getting rid of old baggage...you'll never use it, it looks bad, and you feel so much lighter afterwards.
So anyway I'm really excited if you can't tell and once everything is unpacked and we are settled feel free to stop by and see the place! and of course with that being said, I have a 7:30 breakfast ceremony thingy at City Hall. Freescale is winning several environmental awards from the City of Austin and I am going to the ceremony. I will likely be sitting with the mayor as well as as several other prominent city officials! I'm pretty excited and of course, I plan to dress to impress. So I had better get to bed since it's getting late.
Good night
<3
Friday, July 18, 2008
Sweet Georgia Brown
Oh sweet georgia brown....
So two weeks ago (plus or minus a few days) I took a road trip with some friends off to Atlanta, Georgia to visit my other friend Brendan who is a student a Georgia Tech University. It was such a blast...
The trip started as a long 17.5 hour drive from Austin. We left on a thursday morning and were there around 3 am on friday (easter time). It was a long a grueling drive. While we were there we saw the Aquarium, Olympic Park, various restaurants and bars, five points, decatur, midtown, etc. I can safely say it was one of the largest city I've ever been to and quite an amazing trip.
Gay districts:
Midtown was sort of the gay district so to speak. There were several small neighborhoods full of very cute little houses tucked in amongst a bustling metropolis. Tall buildings and condos surrounding Piedmont park where cute boys could be seen walking their Schnauzers and Chihuahuas lol. Rainbow flags were a-plenty, as was amazing food and bars. We went to a great organic place the first morning we were there and had mimosas and breakfast.
Tornados:
So perhaps you heard a few months ago about the tornados that ripped through downtown Atlanta? The evidence was obvious. Many of the tall buildings were riddled with broken windows, and there was lots of repairs going on at the time. While we were downtown Brendan gave us a great tour of the Georgia Tech campus and it was really cool. We also took the chance to tour CNN headquarters (which I must admit was quite disappointing...and no we didn't get to meet Anderson Cooper :(
The Aquarium and other Highlights:
I must admit the aquarium was quite amazing. The high point of the tour was when a southern bell walked up to the exhibit of the large spider crabs and yells in a rather heavy souther draw, "look at the size of them cuuuurrrraaaaaaaaaaaabs!!"...."Them's good eatn'"
I just about died laughing...lol...so anyway the aquarium was really really cool and minus the large crowds, definately worth the money. Also while we were there we stopped in a local coffee shop where they hold competitions for latte art. It was really spectacular and quite possible the best Caramel Latte I've ever had in my entire life.
The ride home:
So on the way back we decided to try and make the trip as fast as possible. I averaged a healthy 85 mph for my 6 hour leg of the journey and we were able to make the trek in just under 15 hours. I thought that was impressive considering the monsoon we had to drive through between Dallas and Waco to get back.
All in all I must say thanks to Brendan, Sara, and Sarah for an amazing trip and a very memorable summer vacation. I felt so refreshed coming back to work that it really made my year.
So two weeks ago (plus or minus a few days) I took a road trip with some friends off to Atlanta, Georgia to visit my other friend Brendan who is a student a Georgia Tech University. It was such a blast...
The trip started as a long 17.5 hour drive from Austin. We left on a thursday morning and were there around 3 am on friday (easter time). It was a long a grueling drive. While we were there we saw the Aquarium, Olympic Park, various restaurants and bars, five points, decatur, midtown, etc. I can safely say it was one of the largest city I've ever been to and quite an amazing trip.
Gay districts:
Midtown was sort of the gay district so to speak. There were several small neighborhoods full of very cute little houses tucked in amongst a bustling metropolis. Tall buildings and condos surrounding Piedmont park where cute boys could be seen walking their Schnauzers and Chihuahuas lol. Rainbow flags were a-plenty, as was amazing food and bars. We went to a great organic place the first morning we were there and had mimosas and breakfast.
Tornados:
So perhaps you heard a few months ago about the tornados that ripped through downtown Atlanta? The evidence was obvious. Many of the tall buildings were riddled with broken windows, and there was lots of repairs going on at the time. While we were downtown Brendan gave us a great tour of the Georgia Tech campus and it was really cool. We also took the chance to tour CNN headquarters (which I must admit was quite disappointing...and no we didn't get to meet Anderson Cooper :(
The Aquarium and other Highlights:
I must admit the aquarium was quite amazing. The high point of the tour was when a southern bell walked up to the exhibit of the large spider crabs and yells in a rather heavy souther draw, "look at the size of them cuuuurrrraaaaaaaaaaaabs!!"...."Them's good eatn'"
I just about died laughing...lol...so anyway the aquarium was really really cool and minus the large crowds, definately worth the money. Also while we were there we stopped in a local coffee shop where they hold competitions for latte art. It was really spectacular and quite possible the best Caramel Latte I've ever had in my entire life.
The ride home:
So on the way back we decided to try and make the trip as fast as possible. I averaged a healthy 85 mph for my 6 hour leg of the journey and we were able to make the trek in just under 15 hours. I thought that was impressive considering the monsoon we had to drive through between Dallas and Waco to get back.
All in all I must say thanks to Brendan, Sara, and Sarah for an amazing trip and a very memorable summer vacation. I felt so refreshed coming back to work that it really made my year.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
New Additions
I guess it's been a while since I last posted huh?
Here are the general updates.
Family Reunion:
Did the family reunion thing in Albuquerque, NM a few weeks back. Between the Castor's and the Galleghers there were nearly 100 ppl there. It was great to spend some time with my cousins I hardly get to see and overall the weekend was quite exciting. I suppose it was nice to have a very short weekend break from work (although I did spend the entire weekend working :-/).
House Hunting:
Austin and I were finally able to find a house. Luckily it's one we both liked and it's in a great location!! 1587 sq feet. 3 bed 2.5 bath. The downstairs is all living/kitchen and is wood floors and tile. Upstairs are the three bedrooms and short of ironing out who gets which room, we will be moving in starting the 16th, so I'm looking forward to that...
ALSO be on the lookout for an invite to the BYOP&B (Bring your own pool and beer) party, as well as the many more to come A&RSMS (Austin and Rob's Summer Movie Series).
New Additions:
I am sad to say that this past week we had to have my kat Cinnamon put to sleep. He was 16 years old and a big part of my life growing up. I'm pretty upset about it and I'm really going to miss him. He was getting quite old as you could imagine and wasn't eating anymore. Last night my parents went out and bought two new additions to the family because we just can't bear to be without our kitties. their names are Boo and Dan (taken from the food Boudin). My sister named them and I must say they are very cute. I posted some pics below for you to enjoy.
All and all I guess it's been pretty uneventful since I've last posted. Not much new really. I've been working damn near 60 hours/week and plan to go to Atlanta, GA this week to visit a friend. It will definitely be a long needed break from work. Anyway I hope all is well with you and may your week be as great as mine is looking up to be!
Cinnamon: 1992 - 2008, you will be sorely missed.
Left to right: Dan and Boo. Welcome to the family <3...hopefully the coyotes won't get you like they did the last two.
Click Here to view more pictures
Here are the general updates.
Family Reunion:
Did the family reunion thing in Albuquerque, NM a few weeks back. Between the Castor's and the Galleghers there were nearly 100 ppl there. It was great to spend some time with my cousins I hardly get to see and overall the weekend was quite exciting. I suppose it was nice to have a very short weekend break from work (although I did spend the entire weekend working :-/).
House Hunting:
Austin and I were finally able to find a house. Luckily it's one we both liked and it's in a great location!! 1587 sq feet. 3 bed 2.5 bath. The downstairs is all living/kitchen and is wood floors and tile. Upstairs are the three bedrooms and short of ironing out who gets which room, we will be moving in starting the 16th, so I'm looking forward to that...
ALSO be on the lookout for an invite to the BYOP&B (Bring your own pool and beer) party, as well as the many more to come A&RSMS (Austin and Rob's Summer Movie Series).
New Additions:
I am sad to say that this past week we had to have my kat Cinnamon put to sleep. He was 16 years old and a big part of my life growing up. I'm pretty upset about it and I'm really going to miss him. He was getting quite old as you could imagine and wasn't eating anymore. Last night my parents went out and bought two new additions to the family because we just can't bear to be without our kitties. their names are Boo and Dan (taken from the food Boudin). My sister named them and I must say they are very cute. I posted some pics below for you to enjoy.
All and all I guess it's been pretty uneventful since I've last posted. Not much new really. I've been working damn near 60 hours/week and plan to go to Atlanta, GA this week to visit a friend. It will definitely be a long needed break from work. Anyway I hope all is well with you and may your week be as great as mine is looking up to be!
Cinnamon: 1992 - 2008, you will be sorely missed.
Left to right: Dan and Boo. Welcome to the family <3...hopefully the coyotes won't get you like they did the last two.
Click Here to view more pictures
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