two years

Two years ago things were very different. I had just recently come out to my friends. Furthermore, I had met a guy who I had begun to develop some pretty strong feelings for. Little did I know that two years ago tonight things would change. A snowball of emotions would start to roll and roll until finally it would explode at the bottom of a mountain and cause extensive damage. Lucky for me, today, two years later...the damage has healed.

It was the last night of SXSW. My friend and I were sitting on the second floor balcony of the Marriott Hotel downtown playing checkers and enjoying the music flowing from all around us. I don’t know what triggered it, but at some point we just looked at each other, and kissed. Now if you don’t count my ONLY previous experience kissing a guy which was with my curious straight friend growing up, it was the my first kiss with another boy. Right at that moment the finale fire works for SXSW shot up over us. To this day I can’t believe how incredible the timing was. Not to mention how ridiculously romantic it was also...kinda makes me sick. Everything in that moment seemed perfect.

Over the next year our relationship grew into something rather remarkable, but little did I know at the time it would all come crashing down like a ton of bricks on a carton of eggs. That was a little over a year ago, and it completely destroyed me emotionally.

I’ve spent the past year trying to fill that void. I’ve made some mistakes, and met some really amazing life long friends in the process, but after all that time and until just over a week ago I never once felt the same thing for anyone. I had truly come to the conclusion that I would never meet someone and feel that way about anyone ever again. At the young age of 22 I had already begun to show the first signs of being a bitter old queen.

Last weekend that all changed. I spent a few days with a friend who I had really only begun getting close to recently. I don’t know what sparked it honestly, but all of a sudden I found myself with butterflies in my stomach, and feeling like a nervous wreck. when the weekend was over everything just felt so empty like something was seriously missing. I though, holy shit could it be. I was (to quote Thumper from the movie "Bambi") "Twidderpated".

For the first time in a long time I felt like I had met someone special, but what worried me was that it was a friend with whom I had been building a good friendship with. Needless to say, this week was hell. I have been wracking my brain to decide if I should risk it all and say something, or just leave it alone. One thing was for sure, I was relieved. Honestly, no matter what happened, I knew and now know that I will find someone again. This friend unknowingly took baggage I have been carrying around for over a year and threw it out the window onto the highway where it was subsequently run over by several dozen 18 wheelers.

So tonight, I decided to risk it all...granted in a somewhat unconventional manner, but never mind that. I told him. I’m sorry to say, but for your sake I’m going to cut out the details and say...yes..I’m still single, but you know what...I’m so glad I risked it. It turns out that even though nothing came of it, I’m not in anyway sad or upset or anything...really I’m mostly relieved to get that off my chest. I’ve now realized what a great friend he is going to be for me now and hopefully I will be able to do the same.

I came out of this crazy confusing week alive and better than expected. The result...a stronger friendship, a renewed sense of purpose, and the realization that I have finally shed the shackles of a very nasty and devastating break up from over a year ago. So two years after one life changing night I’m finally free of it all.

To the friend that has just done more for me than he may ever know, thanks! I now owe you more than I can possibly repay.

To those that tried to break down my defenses and get me to open up to them over the past year, I’m sorry. All I know is (and you know who you are) I am grateful that you tried, and I’m so glad that we have been able to stay friends. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been but know that I’ll always love you.

And to the one person I will name, Nathan, my best friend. I love you so much. You were my unwavering support through it all and I know you will always be there for me.

Now that I feel about 10,000 pounds lighter emotionally and life suddenly has a renewed purpose for me there’s really only one thing left to say...

HELLO WORLD!

Love,
Rob

Random Observances

Sometimes I sit here an wonder what the point of everything is. I don't mean like, the point of life and blah blah all that depressing philosophical crap... I mean why we have come to do certain things the way we do. Like, who decided monday through friday would be the work week? and why didn't they make it a 4 day work week and a 3 day weekend? All I can say is moron! Or, what is the point of pennies? I mean when is the last time you used one anyway? vending machines don't take them?! You know what would be fun, taking a bunch of pennies and throwing them at the guy who invented 2-day weekends!

So in my random thoughts about what the point of stuff is I decided that I put way too much effort on caring what other people think. I guess in my desperate attempt at making up for my drastic un-coolness and lack of popularity in high school I am seeking the approval of a bunch kids much younger than me, and well on their way to be much less successful. I think part of it stems from the fact that being single I find myself much more concerned about the scene and it's happenings. Like, as if I'm missing out on part of life by not being at EVERYTHING...lol. I've kinda decided that it's time to settle things down a bit.

The going out on thursday thing for instance, a lot of fun...but seems to always end the same... alone, at home, half drunk, and exhausted the next day at work...wooooopie...where do I sign up? That's going to have to stop. After really looking at this one I've decided I'm not really missing anything other than a bunch of college kids...It's time I grew up I think.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way though, I'm not saying ppl who go are bad, or that I dislike anyone in the scene...that's not true, I've made some AMAZING friends, and even still, it seems everyday I'm making new and better friends. I'm just saying it's not for me anymore. The ocassional party will be nice, but any more than once or twice a month is simply going to be a bit much I think, and BESIDES...lake time is here...so my weekends, are officially closed unless you're at Lake Travis, or you're reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly special. OOoo...so something really hacked me off today. I was playing Sim City 4 on my mac mini today. I recently bought the mac and put windows on a small partition so I could play all my video games I missed...well windows...lol, windows is a window into hell is what it is...so anyway I'm playing and I have the awesome city with a sim moved into a big fucking mansion and everything...and then all of a sudden...my desktop pops up..and no more Sim city4...where did it go?!?!?! BASTARDS!!!! I hate you windows...ok...and on the theme or randomness...here is an article you should read.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,334530,00.html

can you believe that shit?!!?! fucked up I know.well anyway enough randomness...see, I told you it was random...look at the subject...haha made you look. go to bed idiot (I'm talking to myself now). Good night everyone.I hope everyone is now a little dumber from having read this blog. hehe