Family for a reason

I've always wondered why the gay community always refers to it's own as "family".

A few weeks back I asked a close friend of mine this question and he explained it much better than I will now but overall it really made sense and I wanted to share that with you, among some other things I've come to experience since this whole coming out thing 2.5 years ago.

For the most part, the gay community as a whole is subject to controversy, homophobia, and a lot of social pressures that just aren't there for the straight community. Many of us have become distant or even shunned from our families, and those that haven't for the most part even still don't have that same connection that straight people do. There are many things that no matter how close you are with your family you probably just can't talk about around them that straight people can. For these reasons, among others, gays have banded together and replace this human connection with the people around us. Friend or foe there is always that common ground amongst gays and when I hurt the most, when times are rough...I can't go to my family and I have to go to my gay friends. It's for this reason that the term family truly fits the situation. In essence, the gay community is one big family because we have been forced to band together and in a lot of instances, it's the closest thing to family we've got.

It was interesting explaining this to a friend of mine tonight. We had a pretty deep conversation about being gay in general and how it differs from being straight (other than the sex part of course). Before I came out it always seemed like comparatively what I thought were friends back then would now be in the acquaintance column. Reason being in the straight world, friendship is much different. The amount of effort put forth on both sides of the relationship as well as the bond shared between friends is vastly different. Coming out has had a dramatic effect on my definition of a friend.

Of course there will always be those acquaintances in gay world as well, but in general the true friends I have always seem closer than those I had when I was in the closet. It's possible that I subconsciously put that distance between my straight friends on purpose to protect myself, but in all honesty there is just a much stronger connection now. Of course, there are much fewer of these "friends" in the gay community but not surprising given there are simply fewer gay people around.

After coming out, slowly but surely I began to drift from those old circles and join new ones and the new circles always seemed so much tighter than the old ones. I've been lucky enough to maintain some of those old connections but you slowly begin to realize how you may have thought being gay wouldn't change things...but it truly does.

An old friend of mine from when I was 10 years old was married last weekend. As I browsed facebook and read about it, I realized I was the only one in our circle that was not invited. You might argue that it's possible I just drifted away, but I definitely didn't drift any more than the rest of the group did. College and military, among other things, caused the group to drift apart but it's hard seeing a bunch of wedding photos and all of your old friends having fun and I knew nothing about it. Then it sort of hit me that being gay will cause this to happen more and more often. In fact about a year ago a friend from college did the same thing. He was married and I was the only one in the group not invited. I guess subconsciously no one wants a gay man to come to their straight wedding...what would the parents think?!?! It really is depressing though to know that even though these people are my friends and accept me (at least on the surface), they still are hesitant (maybe subconsciously or consciously, I'll never know) to invite me to such important events in their life because of my lifestyle choices....no...not choices...lifestyle.

I suppose this is just something I will have to get used to, but it's just sad really. I've been asked on several occasions whether I would chose to be straight if given the opportunity...Make all the difficulty and challenge go away and be able to live a simple, "normal" life. and my answer is always the same.... no. I would definitely not chose the easy way out. Not because I find this life challenging and that I have to prove something to myself. but more because this is who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I ask others this question I get the same response many times, and it's always yes if I could be straight I would. To be honest, in my opinion, it's a dumb question anyway because you can't chose to be straight just as you can't chose to be gay. You can lie to yourself and the world and fake it but truth of the matter is you're not going to change. It can't happen so why ask?

Sure, I wish things were easier, and I wish I would get invited to the big important life events for my friends. Sometimes though it's just not in the cards. I'm proud of what I am, and I'm proud of the fact that I am embracing it. I wouldn't chose to be straight because gay is who I am, and this is how I was made. To chose to be something else would be just that...something else. I would cease to be myself at that point, and no matter what it's just a lie. No matter what you believe God's stance is on the gay issue is irrelevant...one thing is for sure, last time I checked lying was bad too. I must say that being Agnostic I really don't care what God's stance (if there is one) is on homosexuality because there is nothing I could or would do about it anyway (and if you want my opinion I don't think he/she/it cares one bit to be honest with you). Why would something so insignificant to what makes me a good person or not matter? Being gay makes me no less of a human, no less of a man, and no less of a good person; Why should I be judged as if it does?

If there was one thing I could tell you from all this it would be that if you're truly committed to yourself (as you should be), and want to embrace the life you have chosen, then sadly you're going to have to accept a bumpy ride. Being gay can be a real bitch, but if life was all pink ribbons and butterflies then it would be pretty fucking boring. I'm thankful for the family and friends I have, and I try to hold on to them as dearly as possible. I'm only in this world for a short time anyway so learning to not sweat the little things and stop to breath every now and again is perhaps the most important thing you'll ever know. Remember no matter how bad things get life will go on. You'll meet new people, discover new things, and I promise you despite the challenging times there will always be happy ones to fill in behind them if you're open to them and don't get too hung up on the past.

Goodnight and Love Always,
Rob