A Selfish Realization

Have you ever sat back and wondered how different things would be if perhaps you had taken the other turn? I don't speak literally of course, but let's say if you had been faced with a tough decision and chosen the other path, how things would have come to be? It's really interesting sometimes when I sit back and ponder on some of the past decisions I've made and how they have affected my life so far.

I know I know...you're probably wondering why I'm suddenly talking about something like this when I always seem to preach about owning your decisions, not living in the past, never having regrets, etc. I hold all of those philosophies close and try to live them every day, but sometimes it's fun to sit back and think about things like that. I can safely say I still don't regret anything in my past, I'm pretty content with the decisions I've made and where it's led me. It's sad to see close friends drop by the wayside because I see them choosing the other road though. I try to step in but honestly sometimes it just isn't worth the effort.

Today for instance, led me to imagine what a close friend of mine's life would be like now had he chosen a different path. Sadly these decisions are never easy to nail down. It's hard to look back at one's life and find that exact moment where a simple yes instead of a no could have had drastic implications. I can't imagine being in a position where the smallest decision can have dire consequences, but I'm sure I have unknowingly made that decisions (luckily so far it seems to have been the right one). My friend however, seems to have chosen the wrong. It hurts me to watch him drink his life away. Taking adoral every morning, not eating all day, then drinking himself into a stumbling stupor before bed. I look back for as long as I've known him and I try to figure out where it all went wrong but I just can't seem to do it. Likely due to the fact that he was well on this path to self destruction before I met him.

It's observations like this (forgive me for being cocky here) that make me feel so grateful that I was smart enough (or lucky enough if you want to look at it that way) to choose the correct way. One might argue that calling my decisions the "correct" decisions is a bit selfish and conceited, but in all honesty, I look at where I'm at in life by comparison and it's pretty obvious (...see, I told you it would sound cocky). In some small way I want to help my friend clean-up his act but sadly some part of me feels he needs to hit rock bottom and learn a lesson or otherwise my efforts would all be moot.

I guess it's hard to gauge sometimes when intervention is necessary and when it's just a waste of everyone's time. In all honesty some of my reluctance probably stems from my perfectionist mind set in the sense that I refuse to fail at anything and I just don't feel like I could win this one. I'm not saying I only set goals I know I can achieve, that's just not true; however, I do try to make those goals somewhat realistic and at this point I don't think it would be.

I fear that I may have just come to the bitter realization that some people are beyond help and it's just better to let them figure it out on their own. It's sad but I'm afraid it's true. I guess the saying, 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." just doesn't seem to apply in this case. I suppose you also need a juicer and some sugar...two ingredients that some people just don't possess.

Since the theme of this rant seems to be somewhat selfish, I suppose I should stick with that and say that It's time I stepped back and let nature take it's course. He'll just have to learn on his own, and I only hope that it doesn't take a tragedy for him to do so. Sadly, from where I'm sitting...there's just nothing more I can do.

I guess where I'm going for this is you can try all you want to help the people around you but until you can help yourself you're not going to get anywhere. There comes a point when you need to sit down and focus on what's in the mirror staring right back at you. Selfish or not your number one priority should be you, which means not being irresponsible and fucking yourself up beyond help.

So with that in mind and the fact that I don't get nearly enough sleep, I'm going to set a precedent and actually go to bed on-time so I can be fresh and ready for a full day tomorrow. I've got a lot of me to focus on.