Dustin

I suppose I should start off by saying the typical, “I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted” statements.

With that out of the way, I’ve always treated this blog as a sort of way to post about big events in my life, changes, musings, etc. I think the events of this year have been an emotional whirlwind of fun, friends, heartbreak, and more. I hope to capture a lot of it here; partially to vent and partially as historical record so that in 10 years when I come back and read these I can remember everything I’ve done and learned.

To be completely honest a lot of this year has blurred by. I’ve dated a few ppl here and there. None of them really materialized until recently, which then seemed to come crashing down for reasons I have yet to figure out; this post will serve as a way to put my feelings and thoughts into writing so that hopefully I can feel a little better about things.

In all honesty, I have to warn you…the rest of this blog is mostly just a recap of how I met a guy and went through one of the most emotionally topsy turvey relationships I’ve ever experienced. You will likely get bored, but this is more for me to vent and get things down on paper, like I said.

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It was April 23 that I first met Dustin. I must say the circumstances of our introduction were stereotypical of the gay community….Grindr....as embarrassing as it is to admit. I was at my friend Joey’s house waiting for him to pack for our day trip out to lake Travis. I jumped online and there were a few profiles in my feed. I clicked on Dustin’s and send a “hello” message. Typically I’m online to be social and meet new people, he didn’t have a facepic, which I usually avoid but for some reason I felt compelled to message him. It didn’t take long for us to hit it off. We exchanged numbers and spent much of the day texting and getting to know each other. After leaving the lake that night I drove to meet him for drinks and a movie at his place. Needless to say it was an amazing night. In an effort to keep this rated G, lets just say it was the most memorable and fantastic experience I’ve ever had. Period.

The next day I left to see a movie with my family and we agreed to see each other for a dinner date the next night. We went to Inoteca and then to Austin Java. It was an amazing night. The next day I had a trip planned to Napa, CA with my best friend Nathan and our two friends from Seattle that would be meeting us there. The week we spent in Napa, though in and of itself deserving of a blog post, was amazing but is not why I’m writing today. I think Dustin and I did not go more than 2-3 hours the entire week without texting. Things were going so wonderfully and moving quickly but I didn’t think much of it. I’m typically a go-with-the-flow kind of guy and there seemed to be a connection forming that was beyond my ability to control.

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I suppose I should take a time-out to actually tell you about Dustin. There are so many things that should have told me to run away. Things that are not necessarily bad, but very difficult to deal with in a relationship. Dustin is 20 almost 21, and despite his age he is very well adjusted. Working full-time for a company in Austin while going to school for a Marketing degree is no small feat. His job involves doing some marketing work, which is a great experience and start to his career. Along with that he is paying for school and his apartment on his own with a few student loans and not much financial help from family; very similar to how I got through college.

Dustin is smart, beautiful, and in many ways exhibits my ideal guy. Loves to cook, organized, driven, in-shape, etc etc.

The real burden that he has, though, is still being in the closet. Granted, at 20 years old I had not quite come out yet either so I can very much relate. He comes from a conservative background in a conservative area of the state. None of his family or friends know that he’s gay which is a very difficult place for someone to be. It never feels that way until after coming out, but once that burden is lifted it is amazing how much easier things can be. Dustin will some day understand that, I hope.

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So, after that week in Napa we agreed that Dustin would meet me at my house as soon as I got back from the airport. Over the next several weeks we saw each other fairly frequently and spent many nights at each other’s respective homes. Things seemed to be progressing nicely. All my friends seemed to really like him and when we were together everything seemed right.

I told Nathan repeatedly over those few weeks that I wasn’t going to let myself get emotionally attached to him. I’ve been through relationships before, and for some reason when I get emotionally involved too early it doesn’t always work well. I suppose it is an effort to protect myself after all that I went through with Rob Con. The only problem was that Dustin was making it increasingly more difficult to hold back. The constant texts, the half-asleep/half-awake “I love you” he kept mumbling. I’m not one to throw the L word out so early and I know that when said in those circumstances it isn’t necessarily meant. It was still obvious that Dustin was very into me and I was into him. Everything was shaping up to be a really great thing. Not to mention, the physical aspects of our relationship were amazing. Far and away the best I’ve ever experienced. I suppose it’s possible lust played a huge role in this ordeal, but I don’t pretend to be an expert on the psychology of relationships.

Somewhere along the way I asked Dustin to be my boyfriend. Each time I would ask he would suggest that he liked the idea and was interested, but would quickly change the subject. Though we had already agreed to be exclusive the title was a public (well, pseudo-public given Dustin isn’t out) way of showing that. I finally asked him why he was constantly dodging the question. He told me the story of his last boyfriend and how it ended badly because they spent too much time together. Somehow Dustin got the idea that being in a relationship requires a minimum time commitment and that in his previous experience that requirement ruined a good thing. I tried to convince him that it is not a time commitment but a mutual declaration of exclusivity and affection. Despite these repeated attempts he didn’t seem to budge. I got the impression that he just doesn’t like titles too much, but he did agree to be exclusive and that was at least temporarily satisfying for me.

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It wasn’t until Memorial Day weekend when things started to get shaky. The week before Dustin’s parents had moved in with him for a while since they had sold their house and had not found a place to stay yet. This threw a wrench in the spokes of a relationship that was equivalent to a bike careening out of control down a steep hill. We went from 3-4 times a week to once a week or less seeing each other. Obviously we were limited by the fact that with his parents staying with him we were confined to my house and he had to have reasons to not be with his parents, and suffice it to say, “staying with my boy friend” wouldn’t have been the right one to use. We tried to make plans on several occasions, but for some reason he would flake out about 80% of the time. Something had changed.

Then a week later, Memorial Day weekend, Dustin lost his phone and had no way to communicate to me. I was on-call that weekend and spending most of it at home. I was pretty worried that plans we had tentatively made never materialized and I could not get a hold of him at all. It wasn’t until that Monday that we finally touched base and he told me the story. Though judging by recent events, I should probably be happy that he made the effort so quickly to contact me. Things still seemed to be going great despite that recent challenge and the lack of getting to see each other as much. I did bring up the boyfriends thing again later that week and that is when Dustin again said that he didn’t want another “full-time job”. Sadly before I could come back and explain, again, that a relationship is not a full-time job he had signed off Facebook.

Throughout that week Dustin and I Facebook chatted constantly. We kept in touch every day and planned to spend the following weekend together and go to a birthday party on June 4th for a friend of mine. At the party we had a lot of fun and things seemed just as great as they had been. Later that night Dustin tripped and stumbled into my leg causing some pretty sharp pains to shoot up my leg. I didn’t really think much of it at the time and the next day, despite a little soreness, everything seemed fine. That night and the following day were just as wonderful as things had been when we first met, and it was the last time I saw Dustin.

Over the course of the next week Dustin and I continued to talk but my knee continued to get progressively worse. I went to the Doctor who suspected a torn meniscus, we ordered MRIs to confirm a diagnosis. Dustin showed some concern and we, again, agreed to spend the following Sunday together out on Lake Travis.

June 11 was the last time I heard from him. We were talking about the following day and planning our trip. The last thing he said was how he was looking forward to the lake and that he would be going to a party that night. The next day, he never showed and was completely unresponsive to me.

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My knee was now in pretty bad shape and I had yet to get any results back from the MRI. After speaking with my doctor friend he insisted that I see a specialist immediately after examining my leg that weekend. He feared that something could get worse and I may never run or do Yoga again. I realize that Dustin causing my injury the week before was a complete accident but I was shocked that he didn’t seem to be motivated to see me or really ask how I was doing. As I spent the next two days at work on crutches I sent Dustin a message asking why he had flaked on me.

Throughout that week I was very upset. There were some moments when I nearly broke down out of complete fear for the worst regarding my knee and the fact that Dustin never seemed to care. Luckily later that week the MRI and X-rays showed no permanent damage. There was some visible femoral scraping and the specialist noted that I may have strained a ligament or two, but it would all heal up in a few weeks.

Still, no word from Dustin.

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I went another two weeks, still without any word from Dustin. My birthday week came and the party he had been invited too was fast approaching. To be honest, I had all but written him off. I think in part due to being so busy and distracted at work, and also in part to focusing on getting my knee better. I didn’t have time to really stop and think about what was going on. I was very upset, granted, but for some reason I didn’t feel like things were over. I continued to message him frequently asking him to talk to me, but to no avail.

The week of my birthday I still had no luck contacting Dustin. I had sent him a long message begging him to tell me what was going on. I could see that he had been on Facebook since he was posting on his wall, but he, for whatever reason, was ignoring me. When I saw that he was blatantly ignoring me I removed him from the birthday party event invite. I didn’t go out of my way to tell him not to come, because I secretly hoped he would still show. I still messaged him every day asking him to please contact me.

On my birthday in a fit of frustration I blocked him on Facebook. It was mostly an effort to keep myself from thinking about him. All it did was make things worse for me. I had subsequently made it impossible for Dustin to come around and respond.

Needless to say, he was a no show for the birthday party.

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On June 22, my band director from High School died in his sleep. The news came as a bit of a shock to me, and the funeral was scheduled for the day after my birthday party. The man was brilliant and an inspiration to me in many ways.

That day, many of my HS friends came to town for the service. Though it was wonderful to see everyone, the terms were somewhat difficult. I wasn’t all that emotional at the funeral, nor had I any reason to be. I’ve always treated funerals as a remembrance and celebration of that person’s life. It had been many years since I had seen my band director so the pain of loss was relatively obscured by fond memories of my HS days and getting to spend time with old friends.

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I can’t be entirely sure if it was simply a coalescence of several weeks worth of anger, sadness, fear, and loss or just the final realization that something had gone terribly wrong but last Monday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. The first thought that came into my head that morning was Dustin and I’ve yet to shake it, even now. I realized that whatever it was that happened to cause him to effectively ignore my existence might be beyond my comprehension. Partly it was fear that I did something wrong and partly sadness that whatever it was and for whatever reason, Dustin did not feel as though he could confide in me. I had to take Monday afternoon off and broke down once I got home. I immediately unblocked and re-added him on Facebook, realizing that if he did finally come around and decide to talk to me he wouldn’t be able to.

Obviously I was pretty upset. Normally, I would have given him the big “FUCK YOU” weeks before after ignoring me for so long, but I just couldn’t. I realized that despite the fact that I have been treated quite poorly, I had fallen in love with Dustin. I realized that the past few weeks were painful for me, but had absolutely no idea why he had suddenly disappeared. Obviously something must have happened at that party he went to the last time he spoke to me but I couldn’t figure out what. I feared the worst, maybe he met someone else, or maybe I did something without knowing and pissed him off. I needed closure.

That night I had coffee with a friend and drove up to his apartment afterward on the off chance that he might be home. He wasn’t.

The next day I had business to take care of in North Austin and, again, dropped by Dustin’s apartment His truck was there and it was about the time of day when he is awake and getting ready for work. I knocked on the door, on the window. I even waited 20 minutes incase he had been in the shower. It was 10am and he still hadn’t responded which is usually the time that he leaves for work in the morning. I called his office and they said that he had not come in yet. Now I was getting really worried. I left a note on his truck again, pleading with him to contact me.

Finally on Wednesday I just couldn’t take it anymore. I called his office in the afternoon and was finally able to get through to him. Once I heard his voice I could barely choke out words through the tears. For the fourth time that day I had to step out of my office outside from being too emotional. He simply responded by saying he was too busy to talk but would call me soon. He never called.

I called again the following afternoon and we talked for just over a minute. I asked him to go on Facebook and accept my friend request. He wasn’t able to really talk much at work but he assured me he would get online and read my messages. He never did…again.

Finally on Friday, I called a third time and we talked for about 5 minutes. He said that he had, over the past few weeks, been pretty disconnected from everything and was working almost non-stop. He added me back on Facebook and told me that he did just read my message. He couldn’t talk details over the phone but agreed that he wanted to get together and talk about everything. He told me that he finally had time off and was going to use it spending the holiday weekend with his family at the coast. Dustin did assure me that he wasn’t mad at me and he hadn’t met someone else. At least I was able to relax, knowing it wasn’t anything I did.

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It’s now Monday (well, Tuesday by the time I finish writing this). The weekend is over and I haven’t heard from Dustin, but not surprising since he still doesn’t have his phone and our only method of communication is via Facebook. He did promise to talk things through once he got back, which I can only assume was sometime today. I still have no idea what happened, maybe I scared him away maybe I moved too quickly. Oddly enough, I would have to argue that he was the one moving too quickly.

I suppose the whole point of this blog was to get this all out of my head and down on paper. Secondly it was to give me an opportunity to really look back and reflect on our relationship as a whole. There were a lot of things that I miss. I think the most emotionally upsetting part is that, whatever it is, Dustin doesn’t feel as though he can talk to me about what is going on. I feel as though he owes me at least that much.

I’ve spent the past week glued to my friends. Most of them have given similar advice; you deserve better, he’s only 20 and naive, he doesn’t know what he’s missing, etc etc. Some of them have experienced heart break, others haven’t. For the life of me I’ll never understand why a little over 2 months with someone would bring along so much heart wrenching pain. I know it seems totally irrational, but for those of you who have been in this boat, you can probably understand.

This past weekend was spent on the lake with a good friend who gave me the best advice of all. It wasn’t that I should be angry or blow him off. It wasn’t anything negative towards Dustin. It was simply that you can’t help who you fall for and it makes you do crazy things. All I can do is work through it. Love is something that never goes away, you learn to accept the loss over time but you’ll always have a part of you for that person.

I started to think back to my first boyfriend. There will always be a part of me that loves Rob, but I’m over it now. Dustin taught me that I can have strong feelings for someone again; feelings I never thought possible after my first relationship ended almost 5 years ago. I have to admit, I’m still pretty heart broken that Dustin dropped out of existence and has yet to make an effort to talk to me about what’s going on. The only nice thing is that after writing this ridiculously long blog post I am starting to feel a lot better. Chock it up to the therapeutic power of writing I suppose. All I know is that the ball is in his court and hopefully he will come around and feel like he can tell me what’s going on. Despite the fact that all this has gone down I still love him and probably always will in some small way.

Once I finally get some closure, I’ll try and be better about following up and posting a blog to end this saga. For now all I can say is that I’m hopeful this year turns around. I hope to some day find something like what I had with Dustin again…if not then at least I’ve gotten to experience something very special twice now in my life…probably more than many others have ever experienced. I’m either lucky or cursed. I’m not really sure yet.

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I wish Dustin the best and I hope that we can be friends….depending on my mood this second I hope we can be more than friends still. It is hard to have that deep connection and see the amazing possibility that exists with him and not long to have it back. I feel so much pain for the fact that he has to hide who he truly is for fear of losing his family and friends. I want to be there for him because I have gone through exactly what he is experiencing and can vouch for the difficulty in all of it.

I’ve tried not to speculate too much in this blog. There was a lot of theories and ideas that myself and friends thought of as to why he might suddenly go on ignoring me. Some of them better than others, but I would like to wait and see what he has to say before I try and write them out here. When we last spoke on the phone I got the impression that there was some pretty serious things going on in his life lately and if you believe what he says he’s not mad at me. I don’t think anything is going to be a good enough excuse to justify this utter disrespect and lack of communications, but again, I’ll have to wait ad see.

This whole ordeal has made me, yet again, really appreciate the friends I have that are so wonderful to me. Yoga has been another necessity to help take my mind off things, luckily my knee is getting back to normal so I am able to practice again. Daniel, Bridget, Anna, Kristie, Shondi, Taylor, Nathan, Noah, Jack, Gloria, Austin, Wade, Joe, and Jeff were all instrumental in helping me through the past week. They helped me realize who my true friends are and I couldn’t be more thankful to have them all here for me.